Jimbo the amazing "not so stepfather"

I hate JRC.  I hate JC.  (yes, these were his initials)

That's what my diary said for about an entire year after my mom remarried in 1978.  Not because I missed my Dad (he was fairly non-existent) or anything but because he (the Step-dad) cared.  He was always asking questions, talking to me and well...being a Dad.  Yikes.  I was 7 (when they started dating), and well...weird. I wasn't used to this.  This was way beyond shit I knew about.  Awesomely, I grew out of all that and while we had our "moments", good ole' JC and I?  We were right.  (you'll learn what that means in a minute.  relax.  really)

Remember a blog or so back?  Linda-isms (shit my mom said). Well, Daddy had an entire vocabulary of his own.  Sayings, words, entire diatribes,bits of advice.  All bullshit.  But, funny bullshit.  And, you can find them nowhere else.  Nowhere else but here.  Cause Daddy's been gone for almost 20 years.  Gone at the age of 43.  Which happens to be my current age.  Weird. 

First off, a couple things you all should know about Daddy...

 He was really good looking.  I know this because he told us all.  Every.  Day.  He would sing "you're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off myself" every morning in the mirror.  He would TOTALLY love that I was writing this post about him.  Narcissist?  Check.

Everyone called him Jimbo. (his family)  Except us.  Well, I called him Dad but like my Mom and our friends and stuff?  No to the JIMBO.  Stupid nickname?  Check.  

He didn't read very well.  In the beginning.  He only had an 8th grade education and probably fought his way through the last 3 of those years.  He was born & raised in the city.  Life was rough and he was 1 of 7 kids.  The only boy.  Ouch. He was crazy street-smart.  Reading?  Was not top priority.  He learned to read much better later in life, cause well, we drove him crazy.  And, he would be reading my blog if he were still here.  Cause he was cool like that.  Not too dumb?  Check.

He did awesome impressions.  The Mexican (inspired by city living and Cheech & Chong) was his most famous.  He did it really well cause he lived in a Mexican community growing up.  Course, his impressions?  Involved the word "fuck" a lot.  Comedian? Check.

Daddy-O was a serious hardcore drunk.  Oh, excuse me an alcoholic.  Cause, he didn't drink for the last 12 years of his life.  He was what we call a dry drunk.  Which means, he still had crazy behaviors and did some fucked up stuff, but he wasn't drinking. (see full definition below) Also, we all (the family & friends) went bar hopping once with underwear on our heads.  Stone Cold Sober.  Addiction? Check.

"Dry Drunk" has been described as "A condition of returning to one's old alcoholic thinking and behavior without actually having taken a drink." Or as one wise old drunk put it, if a horse thief goes into A.A. what you can end up with is a sober horse thief. Or a personal favorite: you can take the rum out of the fruit cake, but you've still got a fruit cake!

He was way all kindsa tattooed.  Like.  Way.  Skin art? Check. However, if he was wearing a short sleeved T and shorts?  No tattoos were visible.  He believed his tattoos were for him.  Nobody else needed to see them.  Except if he was in a competition.  Or a magazine.  Cause tons of people seeing them?  That was ok. He and the ole' Drunken Queen fought over these damn tattoos most of my life.  Maybe that is what caused my adverse tattoo issues. Or, it's just all the crazy.  It's fer sure one of those.
Addiction #2 (see dry drunk)?  Check. 

He loved, loved, loved Howard Stern.  He and I?  We would listen in the morning and then compare notes later in the day. Yes, it may be odd, but so?  We liked it.  That's funny shit right there.  Sadly, he (Dad, not Howard) died just before "Private Parts" (Howard's autobiographic movie for those of you don't follow) came out.  He would've like it.  I did.  I was able to get a life-size cutout of Howard (employee of mine worked part-time at a movie theater) and had it placed behind his casket for the funeral.  That right there?  Freaked the shit outta the minister.  He had enough sense not to say anything.  Good man.  Loved some Pastor Doug. Anyhow.  Addiction #3?  Check. 

For the last 4 years of his life, he was disabled.  Back injuries.  Couldn't work, couldn't do a whole bunch.  Looking back I think damn, he was only 39 when the shit hit the fan. During this time, my sister began modeling.  Guess who assembled and mailed all her portfolios?  Yep, Dad.  Daddy was EXTREMELY protective of his daughters.  Like pulling boys out of vans through the window and running people down kinda protective. Ummmm, so maybe OVERprotective?  Call it what you want.  He did it and he was awesome.    Disability? Check.

Okay, you have a lil background so here goes - things my Dad said that were awesome (crazy).  And, funny.  And if I hadn't mentioned this before?  INAPPROPRIATE.

1)  "If someone hits you?  Pick up the heaviest thing you can find and hit them". (this wasn't always helpful but there are a few kids I knew that took my purse/lunchbox to the side of the head)

2)  "Know how to lose weight"?  "Don't eat."  (ahhhh, the wisdom...He could gain and lose weight like an actor.  Damn him)

3)  "Get right" - get yourself together and "Get right with yourself" - quit lying to yourself and get your shit together.

4) "Don't let 'em get your day" - Don't let anyone steal your happiness & ruin your day.  Example - your boss is a total dick and makes you feel like a turd?  You want to feel all moody and cranky?  NO.  Don't let 'em get your day.  Got it?  Good.

5) "You will not die one minute before your time" - I wasn't sure where the hell he heard this (I was young I didn't pay attention to that shit), but after a lil help from my friends at Google?  It is from the
Quran. (Daddy dearest died well before 9/11 and all that crap, so don't freak)  He actually had it tattooed around his arm. 

 "Death is destined by Allaah and you cannot live one minute past your time and you will not die one minute before your time." (Excerpt from the Quran) 

6) Take a "dirt nap"  Good ole Dad, he really thought death was hysterical.   First time we heard it?  I don't remember exactly, but I'm pretty sure it was circa 1995 right here:

From Grumpier Old Men:

(Grandpa discussing what he eats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner)

Grandpa: Bacon! A whole damn plate!  And I usually drink my dinner.  Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago.  But each year comes & goes, and i'm still here.  Ha!  And they keep dyin.  You know?  Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me.  Just goes to show you, huh?

Oh and yep, it said lots at his funeral.  Cause, well, that's how we are.  When in doubt?  Laugh.

7) He was "si" (rhymes with "hi").  Yes, "si".  Yes, it's totally made up.  No, I don't know which one of my crazy family peeps first said it.  But, it's like this: drunk.  Like way, really drunk.  Like so over the top drunk that he was siiiiiiii.  Now you know where I get my talent for making up words.  Kickass, no?

And, just like my Mommy's "Linda-isms", there are plenty more awesome pieces of 

advice from Dad. I can't remember them all right now. And, I have to save SOMETHING for later, right? I'll leave you with this - A pic of Jimbo the amazing "not so Stepfather"

By the way...you guys are kinda getting where all the, ahem, crazy comes from?  Right?  Good.

Bad copy of a magazine article photo but you get the gist.