Figure it out and Get Over it.

Women are bitches.  Figure it out and get over it.

I am still continually dumbfounded over the ignorance of men in regards to women.  Men, get it through your heads, women are not to be understood, rationalized with, or calmed down by your dimwitted bullshit.

The old adage about women always changing their minds is true.  Of course it is.  The reason we change our minds so much is because we have no fucking clue what we want to begin with.  We can and will tell you every god damned thing we don’t want; however, the wants are still foggy.  Why?  Because as women we have the ability to get anything we want, all the time.  It’s totally true.  We have the vagina.  Sounds crude, I know, but you may as well face the facts.  When we are posed with so many choices it is almost impossible to choose.  You can’t really blame us.  It’s stimulation overload.  You wouldn’t want us to short-circuit and start smoking out our ears and shit, would you?  (Keep in mind, we have the vagina.)  Situations in which the mind changing experience occurs can be lessened by you (the man) keeping your damn trap shut during the debating process.  Be patient, nobody has died (that I know of) because it took a chick too long to finalize her decision on where to eat dinner on Friday night.  Promise.  I know stuff.

The same kind of thing goes on in reference to making a decision.  There are just too many damn choices. The simple question “what do you want to do today?” causes all kinds of anxiety, excitement, and finally, downright anger in the female mind.  How am I supposed to choose something to do from ALL THE THINGS there are to do?  Yes, that IS how we think. ALL. THE. THINGS. Do you know how many that is?  That’s a lot of damn things.  So we list all the things and then…we have to narrow shit down into categories, and keep narrowing until we finally come up with like our top 46.  These situations cannot be entirely avoided, but, they can be toned down.  Just man-up and offer YOUR opinion.  Given a few choices, we can usually make a snappy decision.  It can be done.  You know how you do all that preventative maintenance stuff to your car?  It has to be done with women as well.  Be prepared.  Duh.

Quit spending time trying figure a bitch out.  This will never happen.  We don’t want you to figure us out so stop it.  If you figure us out, what exactly are we supposed to do with all that time we spend explaining shit to you? Anyhow, we don’t have ourselves figured out so just how in the hell do you expect to?  Also, the second you get us all figured out, we’re gonna change our minds anyway.  Didn’t you learn anything in the first paragraph?  Oh, I get that women always say that we’d like you to figure out how we think and stuff.  We lie.  We really just want you to shut up.  Well shut up and listen.  Listening is huge. If you listen to even ¼ of what we say, you’ll have a head start on knowing what the fuck is going on the rest of the time.

In closing…

Love us, listen to us, and learn these three phrases that I learned from the Drunken Queen many years ago…

• “I love you”
• “You’re always right”
• “You look beautiful” 

Answer every question with one of those three statements.  It will make life a whole lot easier.  Trust me.  I know stuff.

Men – be sure not to tell anyone I told you all this stuff, k?  It’s a secret.