I know everybody has their own dream about the "Perfect Mother's Day. I have mine too. It's awesome. It would have to go down a little bit like this:
1. My mother would not get drunk, hug me, cry and tell say "this is the best Mother's Day ever". Mostly, our Mother's Day celebrations suck. Really. They do. It could be because we're there, but I doubt it. I'm awesome. Maybe it's her.
2. My little sister would NOT send my mother the most bestest, most expensivest gift ever because she can and make me look like a jackwagon. Which I am, but I don't need to be reminded. Just cause' she lives far away doesn't mean she can upstage me all the time. Right?
3. The Mini would refrain from watching "Pokemon" for the ENTIRE day. Or SpongeBob or any other tv show I deem stupid or loud. Because in all honesty? These shows give me cramps.
4. I would not receive yet another "Mom" charm for a non-existent chain. Like really, I haven't owned a chain since I was in High School and I have like 6 of these charms and I can't even sell them or pawn them or anything. Maybe I can make a charm bracelet? Maybe?
5. There would be no yelling, hitting, crying or whining. From everyone else. I would be exempt from this rule. (It's MY dream, fuck off)
6. I would get to pick what we do on Mother's Day. HUGE. I've never done it. NE-VER. My Mother ALWAYS gets to pick. ALWAYS. And, there would be no damn day trips to the Springs cause I can't stand the Springs and all the yucky wildlife and the ice cold water that freezes my vag to the point of soreness. A frozen vag? No good. None whatsoever.
7. ALL parental decisions, punishments, issues and whatnot? Handled by someone else - Grandma. Or a neighbor. Or a hobo. Or anybody. Just not me. ONE day to not think? I'm good at this dreaming shit.
8. Mother's Day would be on Saturday. Sunday holidays are bullshit. We deserve a Saturday.
9. There would be a caramel vodka fountain and I would have the ONLY glass.
10. There would be pizza from Chicago delivered to my spot on the beach. Yes, the beach.
11. I would be allowed to watch my favorite shows all day and NOBODY would be allowed to interrupt. NOBODY. Unless, of course, I summonsed them because I needed something. Cause' that would be totally different. Totally.
12. There would be clean floors everywhere. There wouldn't be any itty bitty pieces of paper, lint, brownie, rabbit turds, chocolate candy, sandwich crumbs, pieces of ramen noodles (OMG, those piss me off, fucking ramen) or any other pieces of ANYTHING. ANYWHERE.
13. I would NOT walk into any room for the entire day and have to say "what the fuck happened in here"? (It's MY dream, stop it)
14. There would be cake. With ice cream. Because I like it. That's why.
15. A full body massage and plenty of back scratching throughout the day.
16. And there would a magical fairy godmother who would come at the end of the day and blink her eyes or wriggle her nose or do whatever dealio is fashionable these days and make everything all perfectly clean. I'd rather not have to clean up all the shit from super duper Perfect Mother's Day Dream. Cause that would suck. A lot.
I'll settle for this. Really.
PPB aka The Precious Princess - The Princess is a twice divorced, recently dumped, recently unemployed, self-proclaimed member of the mentally hilarious. She has been referred to as living under a rock stocked with vodka and anger. Her 12 year old “Mini”, who is carbon copy of the Princess, is often the subject of blogs, and Facebook posts. In addition, she writes about dating, the dumbness of boys, life after 40, and shares stories from Bananaland which is both her past and current residence. She is the owner/sole admin for the Facebook page Precious Princess's Guide to Bananaland where she is famous for her rants and her blunt, honest, and sarcastic look at life. She blogs both extremely funny and all-the-feels posts at Princess Bananaland. She hates people, kids, and karaoke. She uses all the swears and makes up dirty words. Eventually when she’s done being sloth-like, she will write a book. Be afraid.