18 kickass vacation lessons you need to be aware of:
- It's best not to drink 4 beers prior to getting a massage. The ass-clenching that occurs while trying not to subject your massage therapist to your stank beer farts negates the entire experience.
- Remember to show your kids where all the bars in your hotel are located. Let's be serious, we all know that's where you're going to be. Might as well the show the kids up front. Honesty is the best policy.
- Be prepared to be hit with snarfling laughter every single damn time the phrase "duty-free" is uttered. It doesn't matter how old your kids are. "Duty-free" is ageless. You will hear it eleventy-million times. Be ready.
- Rule#1: Don't fart in the rental. Or the room, or on the plane, or anywhere really. Vacation farts are nastier than at home farts. So don't.
- Try and remember not to refer to your kid's new crabhat, (that you paid $15.00 for) ball-tie thingies as "deez nuts" in the presence of other parents. You will get the stink-eye. Judgy bastards.
- Make sure to point out the nutsacks on the wildlife to your children. Do this because it's funny as hell. Blame it on learning. It's biology ya' know. Take lots of pictures.
- Pay close attention to your body's poop signals while traveling in a foreign country. Your pipes are used to preservatives and a daily dose of McDonald's. Fresh fruits and meats will fuck up your pooper, hugetime.
- Leave the men at home. Cuz - DUH. Love him on the daily but leave his ass at home to work when looking for true relaxation.
- Teach all or 1 of your kids to order room service. Designate that kid or all kids, as "CEO of In-Room Food", "Queens of the Food Court", or President of Room Service". They'll dig it and you'll never be hungry. It really is a win-win.
- When flying, give your kid the window seat right from the get-go. It seems like a shitty deal but it will save you from the entire side of your body becoming completely numb after said kid falls asleep using you as their in-flight pillow.
- Pack every snack your kid (s) like. Their very favorites. Pack them all. Bribery is totally worth a peaceful vacation. "If you can drag your grandma's luggage to the next gate you'll get chocolate". The magic snack trick is in your best interest. Promise.
- Do not feel guilty about using the pool as a shower for your kids when on vacation. It's water and it has chemicals. You're on vacation for chrissakes. Enjoy that shit. No guilt. Showered kids = dirty bathrooms.
- If you're on a vacation that involves going through U.S. Customs, you cannot claim your offspring as items purchased that are over the spending limit. They can't be deemed vegetables, fruits, plants, or dairy either. Your kid nor the customs agent think that shit is funny. Humorless fucks.
- When your tween daughter is the person who notices and announces to the crowd that the resort's entertainment dude has a boner, just go with it. Knocking over the table trying to jam your ass under the table is overly obvious and disruptive so just smile, wave, and laugh like the proud parent you are.
- If you're feeling lonely as you watch the couples hump each other in the pool, remember this: they'll soon be headed to their hotel room filled with wet socks (he left everywhere), bathing suits half-hung over the shower bar, flooding the bathroom floor (thanks, lady), and a trash filled with tampon wrappers and empty tequila bottles to begin their argument about where to have breakfast.
- Set up the "tv rules" with the others in your party immediately. You may think this is a ridiculous rule but when to wake up to your bunkmate watching repeats of Maverick at 3 a.m., shit can get weird. Or you could end up watching really crappy tv. Both are bad.
- Regardless of how nervous or unsure you are, try everything you have time for. Skip a tourist place and hit alocal bar, shop in a place with no floors, listen to the natives, stop at a roadside produce stand and - eat all the food. I'm really serious about the food. Try as many local flavors as you can fit in your face and still swallow. (Keeping #7 in mind, of course)
- The hotel pool is not your personal piss place. Kids are bathing in there. Show a little respect and skip your happy ass to the building with the toilets, otherwise known as the bathroom. If you think someone is pissing in the pool be sure to point and shout "Pool Pisser!" really loud. It's a good time.
PPB aka The Precious Princess - The Princess is a twice divorced, recently single, self-proclaimed member of the mentally hilarious. She has been referred to as living under a rock stocked with vodka and anger. Her 12 year old “Mini”, who is carbon copy of the Princess, is often the subject of blogs, and Facebook posts. In addition, she writes about dating, the dumbness of boys, life after 40, and shares stories from Bananaland which is both her past and current residence. She is the owner/sole admin for the Facebook page Precious Princess's Guide to Bananaland where she is famous for her rants and her blunt, honest, and sarcastic look at life. She blogs both extremely funny and all-the-feels posts at Princess Bananaland. She hates people, kids, and karaoke. She uses all the swears and makes up dirty words. Eventually when she’s done being sloth-like, she will write a book. Until she changes her mind. Be afraid.