Thursday, August 28, 2014

Dating - Part Duece - You know you've been single too long if...


  • You don't know the definition of dating.  This is really the first step if you're going to date.  It's not difficult to know.  You can look up it old school in the dictionary and shit or an encyclopedia or you use that machine?  You know that machine that you whack off to every day while watching throngs of lesbians?  That one.  You can use that new thing on the machine called Google and the Wikepedia. It's fucking novel.  Link to Wiki Dating I did that in like 20 seconds.  That included linking it and naming it.  20 seconds it takes not to fuck someone over because YOU are stupid. And LAZY. 
  • Pretending like you have no clue what's going on because you're too nervous, sketchy, and your balls are too small to admit it.  I mean, seriously now, grow a set.  The whole "I didn't know where we were going" thing doesn't work when you know it's wrong to date other women. You can't not know and then know.  It doesn't work that way.  The first rule of dating exculsively is don't date other people.  It's called cheating.  Cheating is bad.  Cheating means why did you date in the first place?Seriously. 
  • After a week of dating, you announce that the other women/men in a picture with your partner are "hot". Even telling your partner that he/she is "hot too" doesn't make it any less classy.  Respect motherfucker...respect.  Get.  Some.  
  • You keep the phone numbers of all the women/men you've met, fucked, danced with once, and spoke to, in your phone.  Yeah, exes (or people who think they are exes) have no place in a current relationship. They just don't.  Unless there's kids involved and even then...the exes need know there place.  
  • Communication - if you can't hear or don't want to hear?  Saythefuckso.  Do you think people enjoy doing all that thinking to come up with bizarre bullshit to keep you entertained?  Fuck no.  If you don't want to hear or can't hear shit - say that shit.  Quiet can be fantastic.  Most people don't know that shit because they get caught up in idle chit chat. (I wrote a blog about that ------> (Click Link to Read)  Chit chat is mostly bullshit.  So Enjoy the Silence (Depeche Mode),  For real, turn on the music or just sit and enjoy.  Talking is overrated. 
  • If your favorite band BLOWS do not play that shit on a loop.  In all honesty, don't play any band over and over.  Nice background music or head banging, fuck music.  Hearing the same song (that you don't fucking know) over and over can make a person bang their head against the wall or interior car door, whichever. 
  • Seeing live music is awesome.  Seeing the same live band over and over...again...head banging (see above) Try something your partner likes.  You know the old "give and take"? Compromise?  Heard of it?  Use the Google.  
  • Do not say that you want to wait to have sex, have sex, then complain cause there isn't enough sex. This does not endear any person to you.  It just doesn't.  Whining isn't accepted about most things, but about sex?  After a few weeks?  There's a problem.  Don't get me wrong...sex is huge. If ain't satisfying, the relationship ain't flying. (dudes, that rhymed) However, in the very beginning...all that stuff (up there) is more important.  If you don't understand that stuff, there is no sex.  Believe that shit.
  • The last thing I'd like to say on this subject is that dating is never perfect.  It won't always be fun.  Shit gets real sometimes.  It happens.  Only you can control how you react to that shit.  You need to like your partner and accept all their shit if you're serious.  Dating isn't always about sex.  Sometimes it's family night with the kids, sometimes it's a picnic in the park, sometimes it's out drunk...whatever it is?  Cherish that shit.  Enjoy the moment.  Life is way fucking short, guys.  

In closing...please know that while this is loosely based on my experiences it has been embelished for humor's sake.  Also, These are not not bad men, they just make bad decisions.  They can't help it; it comes with the penis.

PPB















7 comments:

LadyRuby80 said...

It does just come with the penis doesn't it, lmfao!

It's why you like me said...

You said "they can't help it; it comes with the penis" I am fucking dying! I also like seeing our conversations quoted. #Boom motherfuckers

Amanda said...

Yep, still totally kids love you. Let's get married. Then I could kick the as of any man who isn't treating you right.

Precious Princess of Banananland said...

It comes with the penis. How could I not quote our conversations. I discuss everything with you, IWYLM. Amanda, fuck it. Lets do it. You gottta takecare of all this kids though.

BeerBaseball andCats said...

I can't talk to anyone long enough to even be interested in dating.

A Day in the Life of a Drama Queens Momma said...

Bwhahaha! Those are ALL great tips on what NOT to do when dating! I am so glad I am married (most of the time, anyway) Unless my hubs is being dickhead. Then NO...

Thanks for hookin' up on #BlogDiggity

Chasity M Conley said...

This had me cracking up. I love reading everything you write.