Dating - Part Duece - You know you've been single too long if...

• You don't know the definition of dating.  This is really the first step if you're going to date.  It's not difficult to know.  You can look up it old school in the dictionary and shit or an encyclopedia or you use that machine?  You know that machine that you whack off to every day while watching throngs of lesbians?  That one.  You can use that new thing on the machine called Google and the Wikepedia. It's fucking novel.  Link to Wiki Dating I did that in like 20 seconds.  That included linking it and naming it.  20 seconds it takes not to fuck someone over because YOU are stupid. And LAZY. 
• Pretending like you have no clue what's going on because you're too nervous, sketchy, and your balls are too small to admit it.  I mean, seriously now, grow a set.  The whole "I didn't know where we were going" thing doesn't work when you know it's wrong to date other women. You can't not know and then know.  It doesn't work that way.  The first rule of dating exculsively is don't date other people.  It's called cheating.  Cheating is bad.  Cheating means why did you date in the first place?Seriously. 
• After a week of dating, you announce that the other women/men in a picture with your partner are "hot". Even telling your partner that he/she is "hot too" doesn't make it any less classy.  Respect motherfucker...respect.  Get.  Some.  
• You keep the phone numbers of all the women/men you've met, fucked, danced with once, and spoke to, in your phone.  Yeah, exes (or people who think they are exes) have no place in a current relationship. They just don't.  Unless there's kids involved and even then...the exes need know there place.  
• Communication - if you can't hear or don't want to hear?  Saythefuckso.  Do you think people enjoy doing all that thinking to come up with bizarre bullshit to keep you entertained?  Fuck no.  If you don't want to hear or can't hear shit - say that shit.  Quiet can be fantastic.  Most people don't know that shit because they get caught up in idle chit chat. (I wrote a blog about that ------> (Click Link to Read)  Chit chat is mostly bullshit.  So Enjoy the Silence (Depeche Mode),  For real, turn on the music or just sit and enjoy.  Talking is overrated. 
• If your favorite band BLOWS do not play that shit on a loop.  In all honesty, don't play any band over and over.  Nice background music or head banging, fuck music.  Hearing the same song (that you don't fucking know) over and over can make a person bang their head against the wall or interior car door, whichever. 
• Seeing live music is awesome.  Seeing the same live band over and over...again...head banging (see above) Try something your partner likes.  You know the old "give and take"? Compromise?  Heard of it?  Use the Google.  
• Do not say that you want to wait to have sex, have sex, then complain cause there isn't enough sex. This does not endear any person to you.  It just doesn't.  Whining isn't accepted about most things, but about sex?  After a few weeks?  There's a problem.  Don't get me wrong...sex is huge. If ain't satisfying, the relationship ain't flying. (dudes, that rhymed) However, in the very beginning...all that stuff (up there) is more important.  If you don't understand that stuff, there is no sex.  Believe that shit.
• The last thing I'd like to say on this subject is that dating is never perfect.  It won't always be fun.  Shit gets real sometimes.  It happens.  Only you can control how you react to that shit.  You need to like your partner and accept all their shit if you're serious.  Dating isn't always about sex.  Sometimes it's family night with the kids, sometimes it's a picnic in the park, sometimes it's out drunk...whatever it is?  Cherish that shit.  Enjoy the moment.  Life is way fucking short, guys.  

In closing...please know that while this is loosely based on my experiences it has been embelished for humor's sake.  Also, These are not not bad men, they just make bad decisions.  They can't help it; it comes with the penis.

PPB

Vacation made me sad

How vacation made me sad…

Recently I took a short trip with my Mini and the Drunken Queen.  It was a fantastic before-school-starts trip.  We went to see La Nouba Link -------> Link, and it was fabulous.  I cannot even describe how much in love with this show I am.  The Mini and the DQ loved it as well.  There is nothing more satisfying than looking at your kid in mid show and seeing the awe in her eyes.  You guys, the Mini is growing up.  This will be further evidenced during the rest of this story.  *sigh*

The hotel pool that someone pooped in

We left on a Tuesday and checked into our hotel.  All was fab.  We hadn’t even fought that much on the way.  Yay, us.  As soon as all the check in hoopla was over, we whipped on our suits and headed for the pool.  At the pool for about an hour when they kick us out because the pool had been contaminated.  This is a euphemism for some fucking dirty ass kid shit in the pool.  That was fine because it started to rain anyway.  Headed for food.   After pizza, nachos and a giant Lime-A-Rita, it was time for nap before the show (La Nouba at 6).

The hotel smoking section - right under the Make A Wish cancer fund sign

Me and the Mini ready for the night!  Yes, I ran out of hair product.

As I’ve previously mentioned, La Nouba was fantastic.   Loved the entire 2 hours.  Seriously.  Worth the price of admission.  I would (and will) see it again.  If you aren’t familiar with Cirque De Soleil, I’ve provided the link because I’m cool like that Link -----> Link to AWESOME  La Nouba is the particular show that is performed in Orlando.  They have other shows around the country.  I’m sure they’re all fantastic.  I’m only talking about this one because it’s the only one I’ve seen.  However, if any of you feel like you wanna’ get me a gift, tix to the Elvis Cirque in Vegas would be great!  After the show, I asked the Mini her favorite part and she replied “the hot silk guy”.  My 11 year old daughter was checking out dudes.  Ummmm…NO.  This couldn’t be happening.  Okay, the guy was hot but not the best in the show.  Like not even in the top 3 for me.  Nope…he was her favorite.  Kill. Me. Now. Sad.

So after the show we went to dinner at one of the kitschy, overpriced, tourist restaurants at Downtown Disney Westside because “why not?”  We were on vacation.  We at this place called Splitsville Link to kitschy, awesome place It was a bowling alley restaurant.  I totally want to have a party here.   It’s too damn cute.  The food was great, there was bowling everywhere.  My kinda’ place.  And then, the arguing began. The Mini and the DQ.  They’ll make ya fucking insane.  Or maybe just me.  Who knows?  They wear on my nerves, the two of them.  They’ll argue about everything…the cost of food, the amount of food, what kind of food, who’s eating what food…WHO FUCKING CARES?  Sad.

Anyway, after dinner there was no shopping or walking or people watching or anything.  Know why?  We had to take a fucking boat across the pond to Pleasure Island (insert link) to get to the car.  Yes, we took the fucking boat there too.  Know why?  The DQ can’t walk that far.  Don’t get me wrong, the boat ride was fine and I wasn’t angry.  Just fucking sad because this bit of info means the DQ is too fucking old and cannot do this shit anymore.  She’s always been my fallback person.  Every big trip I’ve been on?  So has she.  We have been all over Europe including Italy twice, Alaska, in 36 mainland states, Mexico, Canada, #alltheplaces.  The thought that she can no longer do this, kills me.  I’m dying.  My daughter is growing up and my mother is getting old.  Yep, old.  She’s fighting it every step of the way but she can’t do it and it makes me sad.  I make jokes about her getting her a hover round.  I’m not really kidding.  I mean seriously, get that shit…we will use it to our advantage.  That’s probably wrong...but so.  My mother is old, I’m using that shit.  Sad.

The Mini and DQ on the boat ride to La Nouba

YAHOOOOOOOO!

The next day we get up (not so spryly) to go to the Magic Kingdom.  Now folks, even though the Mini picked this as her place to go, it’s my favorite place ever.  Me and the giant rat go way back.  Going in, I thought I’m older so maybe it won’t have that giddy effect on me.  Nope.  It was solid.  I fucking love Disney World.  I was like a kid.  I ran.  Yep, me.  Don’t laugh.  I stood in all the lines.   I was hot, sweaty, sunburned, tired, achy, and having #allthefun.  My grin was huge and unmoving.  I was in my element. (Keep in mind it was 103 degrees)  The Mini was keeping up with me and riding the rides.  This is a first, folks.  The Mini doesn’t ride rides.  Well, she didn’t.  She kicked ass.  I was super impressed.  Besides the people (#Ihatepeople), the big rat paid off.

Waiting on the tram cuz DUH.

I get bored waiting in line. 

Now the sad…The DQ walked really slowly throughout the park and we kept losing her.  In fact, while we were riding Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, we lost her for good.  Not really, but we got separated for the rest of the day.  I had no phone so we had to go old school, you know…wing it.  During our separation, I learned two things.  My mother’s need for a hover round was solidified and my child is growing up and that there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop it.  The Mini and I felt really badly that the DQ got separated, however, it worked to everyone’s benefit.  The DQ got to walk slowly and watch old lady shows and the Mini I got to RIDE.  While in line for 55 minutes for the Mini’s first time on Space Mountain, I witnessed the Mini and the goddamned BOY in front of us flirting.  Right in front of me.  What the fuck?  I was completely mortified.  And, sad.

In closing for those of you who follow my Facebook page https://m.facebook/ThePreciousPrincesss
 you now know the source of my crankiness on Disney Day.  I’m really just sad.  I’m losing them both and I DON’T WANNA.   I’m selfish, stuff sucks, and I hate carrying luggage.  Sad.

#VACATIONISSAD

PPB

Dating Profile Dont's

I have joined the throng of weird motherfuckers on the dating websites.  Mostly for research but I’m having a blast.  I’ve never met so many low-life bottom feeders, ever.  It’s entertaining to say the least.  I’ve made up a short list of shit men should NEVER do on their profile.  Seriously boys - heed my advice.  You’re embarrassing yourselves and the entire human race.

1) Do not have a muthafuckin profile picture without your shirt.  Don’t do it.  It’s all bad and you’re an asshole, jackwagon, fucktard.  Furthermore…ewwwwwwww.
2) Do not say that you like romantic walks on the beach.  Your pants?  Are on fire.  This is a lie because there would be a million people walking on the beach, holding hands, and looking awkward every day and that would suck.
3) Don’t lie.  You’re just dumb.  You’re going to get found out at some point.  It’s just stupid.  Be yourself.  Unless you suck.  If you suck, you’ll never get anywhere anyway so just don’t bother.
4) Do not say you’re not looking for a certain body type and then answer the profile question “Do you think overweight people can be sexy?” with a no.  You’re an asshole. You’re allowed, even encouraged, to like whoever the hell you want to like just don’t say one thing and mean another.
5) Spelling.  YES IT MUTHAFUCKIN COUNTS.  You know when you meet someone in a bar and you base whether you’re going to buy them a drink based on how they look?  SPELLING IS HOW YOU LOOK when you’re on a dating website.  DUMBASS.  It’s said that women decide if they’re going to sleep with you in the first 30 seconds.  The first 30 seconds is while we read your profile. Yep, you made an impression…it just sucks.
6) Do NOT say that you’re looking for a relationship when you’re really out there to bang some strange.  There is not a damn thing wrong with banging.  Do not confuse banging with dating.  Google that shit if you aren’t sure which is which.  They have banging websites.  Go there.  This is a dating website.
7) If your profile picture is of your junk, just go ahead and kill yourself now.
8) Do not put pictures of your children in your profile picture.  Complete turn off.  Also, unless your children are adults and gave you permission to use their likeness, you’re asking for trouble.   Have you seen the freaking sickos on the dating websites?
9) If you have another woman in your profile picture, you deserve every nasty message you get.  Seriously.
10) If you have no photo of just you alone – you’re a loser with no friends that could handle taking a current picture.  Women don't care what your friends look like (or they shouldn't) unless you're part of package deal.
11) Stop whining that you only get messages from crazy women.  ALL women are crazy.  It comes free with a vagina.  If you’re continually getting crazy messages?  Check your profile.  That’s why.
12) If you say that you are creative & funny in your profile description, you should probably be able to send a message that’s better than ‘hi’ or ‘good morning, beautiful’.  Fuck off, ain’t nobody got time for that.  Use your creativity and wit to make a good impression. Just don’t go overboard.    Yeah, I know…it’s a slippery slope.  Figure it out.
13) Don’t put up a picture and then conveniently forget to fill out the written profile information.  This is just stupid.  It’s a website.  Give up the information
14) Do not say that all you do is eat healthy and that you love to work out and then message me, the non -workout, junk food eating, Queen.  We have nothing in common.  Seriously.  I don’t want to do any of that.  If you’re looking to sell your workout wares, they have websites for that.  They do.  I’ve seen them.
15) If you’re 6’2” don’t say that you’re 6’3”.  Nobody is going to whip out a meausring tape but it will come up in conversation some day and why fucking lie?  It’s height.  Really?  If you’ll lie about your height, you’re not really trustworthy, now are you?
16) Don’t say you have a few extra lbs in your profile and then show up for coffee and you’re a circle.  This is not cool.  If you’re a circle, be proud.  It’s an awesome shape.
17) Do NOT give a woman you’re email address or phone number in your first message.  It makes you seem pushy, sketchy, and desperate.  If that’s what you’re going for then cool.
18) Do not attempt to pay someone meet you.  Again, if that’s your thing go for it.  They have websites, phone services, and Craig’s list to take care of all of your needs.  If they had no place for your sick ass to go, it would be easier to understand.  However, they do so it just makes think you can read and have no concept of what the internet is all about.  Figure that shit out.
19) I don’t lie on my profile so I’d appreciate if you actually take the 2 minutes it takes and read it. Even if I did lie, the information is right there in black & white.   Don’t message me a bunch of shithead questions that are found on the front page of my profile.  Idiot.
20) I’m pretty.  It’s a fact.  My picture is current.  I show my body.  I’m not trying to hide that fact.  Don’t message your tired old bullshit if you haven’t first figured out that I’m not a size 8.  That’s your damn problem.

These are just my top 20.  I could go on all damn day; I won’t.  I will be back with more.  Wait for it.

 PPB aka The Precious Princess - The Princess is a twice divorced, recently dumped, recently unemployed, self-proclaimed member of the mentally hilarious. She has been referred to as living under a rock stocked with vodka and anger. Her 12 year old “Mini”, who is carbon copy of the Princess, is often the subject of blogs, and Facebook posts. In addition, she writes about dating, the dumbness of boys, life after 40, and shares stories from Bananaland which is both her past and current residence.  She is the owner/sole admin for the Facebook page Precious Princess's Guide to Bananaland where she is famous for her rants and her blunt, honest, and sarcastic look at life.  She blogs both extremely funny and all-the-feels posts at Princess Bananaland.  She hates people, kids, and karaoke. She uses all the swears and makes up dirty words.  Eventually when she’s done being sloth-like, she will write a book.  Be afraid. 

Why Father's Day Sucks (for me)

Those of you who have been around Bananaland for a while, you know all about Jimbo (click for link to blog post).  He was a great Dad.  He was also a complete asshole.  Technically, he was step-dad.  Whatever.  I called him Dad. He & the Drunken Queen married when I was 8.  We bonded.  He taught me lots. He is a huge part of the asshole I came to be.  He's been gone since 1997.

The little diddy I'm about to tell is not something I've divulged previously.  You're in for a treat.  Sort of.  

I have a birth father.  He's alive & well (well, mostly on the well part) in Illinois.  

He was not a nice man (almost man, he was 17 when I shot out) to my mother when I was a child.  I'll leave that story for another blogpost that I'm not yet ready to write.  They divorced when I was 7.  

In the  beginning I saw him every other weekend.  He would take me to his basement #newlysingleguy apartment and sit me in front of the tv to watch what he called Japanese Monster movies (Godzilla & the like).  I dreaded it.  Some weekends we would visit his friends (my godparents) and that was good.  Have bbq's, all that shyte.  

The dating, ummm, scene the daddio got into was bizarre.  This was the 70's.  People were wacky.  There were the twins, the woman who made her kids put their hands over a back of a chair so she could hit them with a ruler for punishment, and numerous other disco-haired 'ladies'.  I met them all.  Or most of them.

Shortly after the DQ married Jimbo in 1978, my birth daddio remarried as well.  This brought new friends & family into the mix.  Lots of weekends at a lake in Indiana, trips to the beach, great fireworks displays, sledding, #allthethings.  It was a great stretch.  

In 1980 my baby brother was born.  Things when smoothly for a good bit.  Then the every other weekend visits turned to once a month, then once every month, etc...  This was not due to the birth of my brother, I was a pre-teen and had my own shit to do.  I still made it to the important stuff, birthdays & the like. 

When the DQ, Jimbo, my baby sister (born to the DQ & Jimbo one month prior to my brother being born), and I moved to Florida in 1986, I called my Dad on the phone the week before the move.  I hadn't seen him in almost a year.  What?  I was 16.  I didn't know to handle shit.  He was fairly devasted (points for him).  

Since the move to Florida (30 years ago), I have seen my birth daddy 6 times.   Two visits home shortly after I moved, my first wedding, a visit home when he had a heart attack, and two visits home as an adult.  He has met the Mini once; she was 7 months old.  She's almost 12.  

I've invited him here.  He's invited me there.  We both aren't interested.  

We are still in contact.  We text.  We're friends on the Facebook.  I'll wish him a Happy Father's Day tomorrow.  

#FathersDaySucks - PPB

100 Happy days with Silence of the Mom - weeks 4&5

Soooo, I missed out on last week cuz I was off being a grown up & stuff.  Real life put the kibosh on my blogomania.  Anywho, I'm back and I have TWO weeks worth of fucking happiness.  As always, be sure and give some huge lovin to my friend over at Silence of the Mom or visit her on the Facebook at Silence of the Mom on the Facebook.

Here's my happy stuff and I might have missed a few days.
Shaddap, don'tyoujudgeme.

Yep, that little kid of mine.  The Mini. 

 She makes me smile...

I smile cuz it's true.  Small world?

My cousin and her daughter.  Ain't they just peachy?

 Socks & flip flops.  

Made me piss myself

Now there might be a few a days missing (26,27, 28)*whistling*. 

 And, BOOM...Week 5...I might have cheated.  What?

From top left

The Mini's drawing of her & sisters.  AWEFUCKINGAWE.

Pedicures

The new floor being put in at my Mom's, I fucking love it

The best gum.  Ever. 

The awesomeness that the SAB posted on my FB timeline

A drunk ass friend wrote "I love you" on my hand

That, AHEM, tree is in my friend's yard.

Seriously.

THAT SHIT MAKES ME SMILE.

100 Happy Days with Silence of the Mom (week 3)

So it's week three, days #15-21 of the 100 Happy Days with that really cool bitch, Silence of the Mom.

I had a busy as shit week (Spring Break with the Mini) so I didn't snap as many pics but I managed to find a few that made me HAPPY.

Here goes...

I found this in my lunchbox. From the Mini.

  I might have been just a tad cranky that morning.

  PMS blows.  

An actual text conversation with the SAB.  He always makes me smile. *sigh*

On this day, one of my most very bestest friends celebrated her 1 year of being on the Facebook.

It's Why You Like Me

 The crazy design the Mini wanted to me to paint on the walls of her new bedroom.

  This kid is fucked up & stuff.

So today my other most bestest friend celebrated her one year on the Facebook.

Pink Fuzzy Slippers and My Hubby's Pants

Looking for a short trip for the family.  

VACATION ROCKS.

Took my first pic of my new hair.  

Even though it's all sweaty and windblown, it rocks.  

Until next time...Be sure and check out some of the other 100 Happy Days posts at Silence of the Mom

Silence of the Mom's Happy 100 Days - Week 2

So it's Week 2 and I'm still going.  100 Happy Days, Bananaland Style.  Thanks again to my bitchacho, Silence of the Mom, for the challenge.  Me.  Happy.  100 days...In. A. Row. Anyhow, the following pics are of some shit that make me giggle, smile, or pee.  Enjoy...

The Mini.  Seriously.  I peed. 

The SAB was working late.  I had to put together a new fan.  This was in the box.  You know I giggled, smiled & peed!

Red's bday.  Smileytown. 

Pool/Beach day.  FINALLY!!!  

I absorbed the shit outta some vitamin D

The sunset from Red's birthday cruise.  *sigh*

The SAB measuring for the Mini's new paintjob.  Boys.  Doin' work.  Yum. 

The haircut I finally decided on.  Can't wait to chop this do.  It's a don't. 

In this pic, behind all of the fog, is a street sign.  The sign says: Sex Drive.  Ha. 

 I laughed.  Out loud.

 I managed to find some great shit that didn't suck.  Not even a little. - PPB