I hate kids…
Conjures up a buncha ideas, doesn’t it? Makes you think I’m a bad, bad person, doesn’t it? Don’t be judgey.
I don’t hate kids for like the real reasons one would hate kids. You know? Sticky hands, stinky feet, they eat everything in the damn house, they cost a fortune, they lose every fucking thing you’ve ever bought them, they don’t listen, they talk shit, they argue, they cry, they take up all your time and the list goes on (I’m a busy woman, I don’t have all day here). I hate kids simply…because I hate ‘em. Let me splain. (Yep, I watched I Love Lucy, too)
Here goes…one day the Sexy American boyfriend and I were relaxing and watching our two lovely kidlets play (ie – hit each other with sticks) and we looked at each other and stated…”I hate kids”. (I knew right then he was the ONE) Our kids (below) Precious, ain’t they? All molesty on Elvis and stuff. Damn kids. See? See what I'm talkin' about here?
Okay, so if that’s not enough? Kids? They want us to play with them and do stuff for them and they talk. They talk a lot. Like, they never stop. And, they beg us for stuff. Are you with me on this yet? No? Okay, keep reading. I'll get you, I will. Promise. I know stuff.
My beautiful (now 10 year old) Mini has been a dancer (to the tune of $4,000/year), a gymnast (for like 30 minutes a day one month), and a cheerleader (for which I had to travel the state and spend $ that I didn’t have). Currently, she’s a Girl Scout. This is pretty good, cause’ it’s cheap and I don’t have to attend meetings. They actually asked if I wanted to attend a meeting once. My answer “hell no, I hate kids”. I mean, aren’t we sending these kids to activities to get away from them for a minute? DAYUM. I do, however, attend all the fun field trips and the leaders love me. I’m mean as hell mom and all those damn kids listen when I’m around. I’ll take it, fuckyouverymuch. See the Mini below. If this doesn't get ya? Nothin' will.
So, do you get it yet? Why I hate kids? Come on…it’s not that hard. I’m fucking jealous. With every ounce of my being, I am completely and utterly jealous. Kids get to do whatever the hell they want, whenever they want and how they want (this is awesomeness). You’re getting it now, right? I don’t hate the actual kids at all (in fact, I love them and I wanna be them). I hate that I am not one. Don’t mistake this for wanting to younger, no, that’s not it. Free of responsibilities. Able to hit my friend with a stick and not be sued. And, totally molest Elvis (which I did, of course, duh, I'm not dead) Ahhhh, the life. And, if you don’t “hate kids” too? You’re a liar. You know it. I mean really? Look at this damn kid. He digs it the most. (Stay outta the sink guys, the police and fire departments are busy)
And, now you when you see "I hate kids..." on my FB page or in future blogposts? You can say "Oh, cool, I hate kids too"