Let me begin with this - I abhor wasting time outo use the bathroom. So many battles have been conquered in my lifetime. Cures, inventions, life changing events. Why in the fuck am I still pulling down my pants, sitting on a hunk of ceramic, and wiping my ass with the thinnest paper ever created? Someone dropped the ball. Seriously.
In addition to my hatred of having to use the potty at all, I have some weird bathroom issues. Wait and see...
I prefer to do my business with the door open. I just do. First of all, I have a very sensitive nose. It gets all hot and stinky and there is no spray that kills that smell. I stopped pretending long ago. It just smells like poop and Glade. Also, I like to know what's going on outside the bathroom. I'm not a big fan of surprises. I don't want a burglar/rapist/murderer to break in without my knowledge because I was all locked up in the potty with the fan running. I'd much rather hear someone coming to get my ass. I have zero interest in spending a solid 8 minutes or so squeezing out my business just to fling open the door to my killer. That would just suck. I need to hear stuff. That being said, I prefer not to be burgled, raped, or murdered but I'm still keeping the door open. In an effort to keep my family, I do close the door when people are home (boo).
Every good potty story needs a clogs and I am the Princess of cloggage. Really. There is no real reason for why I must build a huge potty paper poo puff. I just do. I have no bizarre memories of a toilet paper attack or anything. I mean I have regular bathroom memories like everyone else (what? you don't? pffffttt). Anyway, I suck at public bathrooms and every bathroom that isn't my own because of my clog abilities. It doesn't help that I poop 10 times a day. I have no gall bladder. Food goes in, food goes out, and my giant toilet paper mummy begins. Let me just say that I've met the plumber dude in every hotel I've ever stayed in. My most famous clog happened was in Key West, circa 1995. It involved the toilet and the bathtub. Use your imagination.
|I would SO use all of this.|
Flushing is another dealio I have issues with. I courtesy flush whether I'm out and about or enjoying the comfort of my own private throne. I absolutely do not understand the bumble-fucks who don't. It's something we should all do. I flush the second my ass hits the porcelain. Yeah, I do. Nobody (including me) hears my plop or splash, and the smell is killed at the same time. The way I see it, every bathroom trip is a minimum two-flush. The aforementioned, and the one after you wash your hands. This second flush ensures no floaties. Two is my minimum flush number. Often times it's more. Whatever it takes.
I leave you with my personal potty tips before I leave... I'm just gonna cover my basics. First, and foremost, cleanliness. I will shit my pants before I sit on a nastyass pooper. Any of you remember the bathroom in the movie "Trainspotting"? Fuckinggag. I won't do it. I'm physically incapable. Smell is also huge. I mean, come on. If it smells like toddlers painted the walls with the insides of their diapers after supping on peas? No. My third and final public potty rule - I will not, I absolutely refuse, and I will stomp my feet & holler before I use the paper that's stacked on top of the roll or on the toilet tank. This is bad. Using this paper could give me the bad heebie-jeebie disease. This is the paper that has been touched by every individual before me. It is also the roll that has done just that; rolled onto the ever so filthy bathroom floor. It is not to be used. Ever.
Wait! I totally forgot! I have a request. Please do not leave your urine on the seat. I will chase you down. Don't be a dick.
PPB aka The Precious Princess - The Princess is a twice divorced, recently single, self-proclaimed member of the mentally hilarious. She has been referred to as living under a rock stocked with vodka and anger. Her 12 year old “Mini”, who is carbon copy of the Princess, is often the subject of blogs, and Facebook posts. In addition, she writes about dating, the dumbness of boys, life after 40, and shares stories from Bananaland which is both her past and current residence. She is the owner/sole admin for the Facebook page Precious Princess's Guide to Bananaland where she is famous for her rants and her blunt, honest, and sarcastic look at life. She blogs both extremely funny and all-the-feels posts at Princess Bananaland. She hates people, kids, and karaoke. She uses all the swears and makes up dirty words. Eventually when she’s done being sloth-like, she will write a book. Until she changes her mind. Be afraid.