Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The bathroom thing...

Let me begin with this - I abhor wasting time outo use the bathroom.  So many battles have been conquered in my lifetime.  Cures, inventions, life changing events.  Why in the fuck am I still pulling down my pants, sitting on a hunk of ceramic, and wiping my ass with the thinnest paper ever created? Someone dropped the ball.  Seriously.

In addition to my hatred of having to use the potty at all, I have some weird bathroom issues.  Wait and see...

I prefer to do my business with the door open.  I just do.  First of all, I have a very sensitive nose.   It gets all hot and stinky and there is no spray that kills that smell.  I stopped pretending long ago.  It just smells like poop and Glade.  Also, I like to know what's going on outside the bathroom.  I'm not a big fan of surprises.  I don't want a burglar/rapist/murderer to break in without my knowledge because I was all locked up in the potty with the fan running.  I'd much rather hear someone coming to get my ass. I have zero interest in spending a solid 8 minutes or so squeezing out my business just to fling open the door to my killer.  That would just suck.  I need to hear stuff.  That being said, I prefer not to be burgled, raped, or murdered but I'm still keeping the door open. In an effort to keep my family, I do close the door when people are home (boo).  

Every good potty story needs a clogs and I am the Princess of cloggage.  Really.  There is no real reason for why I must build a huge potty paper poo puff.  I just do.  I have no bizarre memories of a toilet paper attack or anything.  I mean I have regular bathroom memories like everyone else (what? you don't?  pffffttt).  Anyway, I suck at public bathrooms and every bathroom that isn't my own because of my clog abilities.  It doesn't help that I poop 10 times a day.  I have no gall bladder. Food goes in, food goes out, and my giant toilet paper mummy begins.  Let me just say that I've met the plumber dude in every hotel I've ever stayed in.   My most famous clog happened was in Key West, circa 1995.  It involved the toilet and the bathtub.  Use your imagination. 

I would SO use all of this.

Flushing is another dealio I have issues with.  I courtesy flush whether I'm out and about or enjoying the comfort of my own private throne.  I absolutely do not understand the bumble-fucks who don't. It's something we should all do.  I flush the second my ass hits the porcelain.  Yeah, I do.  Nobody (including me) hears my plop or splash, and the smell is killed at the same time.  The way I see it, every bathroom trip is a minimum two-flush.  The aforementioned, and the one after you wash your hands.  This second flush ensures no floaties.  Two is my minimum flush number.  Often times it's more.  Whatever it takes.

I leave you with my personal potty tips before I leave... I'm just gonna cover my basics.  First, and foremost, cleanliness.  I will shit my pants before I sit on a nastyass pooper.  Any of you remember the bathroom in the movie "Trainspotting"?  Fuckinggag.  I won't do it.  I'm physically incapable. Smell is also huge.  I mean, come on.  If it smells like toddlers painted the walls with the insides of their diapers after supping on peas?  No.  My third and final public potty rule - I will not, I absolutely refuse, and I will stomp my feet & holler before I use the paper that's stacked on top of the roll or on the toilet tank.  This is bad.  Using this paper could give me the bad heebie-jeebie disease.  This is the paper that has been touched by every individual before me.  It is also the roll that has done just that; rolled onto the ever so filthy bathroom floor.  It is not to be used.  Ever.

Wait!  I totally forgot! I have a request.  Please do not leave your urine on the seat.  I will chase you down.  Don't be a dick.


PPB aka The Precious Princess - The Princess is a twice divorced, recently single, self-proclaimed member of the mentally hilarious. She has been referred to as living under a rock stocked with vodka and anger. Her 12 year old “Mini”, who is carbon copy of the Princess, is often the subject of blogs, and Facebook posts. In addition, she writes about dating, the dumbness of boys, life after 40, and shares stories from Bananaland which is both her past and current residence. She is the owner/sole admin for the Facebook page Precious Princess's Guide to Bananaland where she is famous for her rants and her blunt, honest, and sarcastic look at life. She blogs both extremely funny and all-the-feels posts at Princess Bananaland. She hates people, kids, and karaoke. She uses all the swears and makes up dirty words. Eventually when she’s done being sloth-like, she will write a book.  Until she changes her mind. Be afraid. 














17 comments:

Dre said...

OMG< I was dying!!! I'm so glad to know your poop habits, ya know in case we meet up in a hotel .. you get your own room.

Precious Princess of Banananland said...

Deal ;)

The Queen said...

OMG I so want the twelve rolls of toilet paper.. I live alone.. well actually I live with husband in a jar.. and that fucker won't hand me a square no matter how I loud I scream.. seems he pays less attention to what I say now, than he did before he went to live in the jar.

thanks for stomping by the kingdom. We added you to Royal Readers.. New Friends.

Precious Princess of Banananland said...

Awesome. Thanks for reading. I'll always have a square for you!

Adrienn TUJ said...

We go through an ass load of ass wipe around here too. Two plunger sizes-one for the "it's kinda clogged" and one for the "holy shit this fucker's really clogged" I hate the smell of public restrooms. Like someone ate a tunafish sandwich while taking a dump *gag* and I have unfortunately had to shit many times out in public. The worst was when we went out for our Anniv last year to a swanky richie rich place and the crab legs gave me the shits. I was back and forth 3 or 4 times hershey-squirting in their fancy potty.

Amy J said...

YES! Finally someone who speaks my language!
Glade does NOT make that poop smell go away. And I leave the door open. That burglar can die when that smell travels out of the bathroom door barrier. And I poop at least 5 times by noon. Every time I freaking eat it sends a signal to my butt to release the pressure and make room for more. There I said it and I feel so much better! Adding you to my blogroll before I have to run to the bathroom again!

Precious Princess of Banananland said...

BAAAAAA!!! Love it ;). You're my sister from pooville. Lol.

Precious Princess of Banananland said...

I love that you hershey squirted in the fancy potty. Lmao.

Casey Fugitt said...

May I say that I actually re-named the 'courtesy flush' to 'self-survival flush'. I mean really...we are doing so to save our OWN lives, not to be courteous to those outside of the room! I have had to flush or my own face was literally going to melt off the bone.

Precious Princess of Banananland said...

Love it!!!

Pink Fuzzy Slippers and My Hubby's Pants said...

You are nutty!

Cary Vaughn said...

Best blog post of the day! Hahaha!!

Cary Vaughn said...

Awesomest post of the day! Hahahahah!

Precious Princess of Banananland said...

Thanks! Glad you stopped by! Pooping is important.

Molley Mills said...

OMG! Hilarious.... Did you ever see my post about The French public toilet? Just NO..
http://www.amotherlife.com/wheres-bidet/

Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

Jeanine Lebsack said...

Oh my gosh I was giggling because we have a lot of the same habits. Champion clogger here, and I don't sit on anyone's toliet seat but my own. My PT said I had the tighest ass muscles he had ever felt while trying to relieve my back pain. Thank you for the laugh I needed today PPB. 😃❤️

Jeanine Lebsack said...

Oh my gosh I was giggling because we have a lot of the same habits. Champion clogger here, and I don't sit on anyone's toliet seat but my own. My PT said I had the tighest ass muscles he had ever felt while trying to relieve my back pain. Thank you for the laugh I needed today PPB. 😃❤️