Thursday, August 28, 2014

Dating - Part Duece - You know you've been single too long if...

  • You don't know the definition of dating.  This is really the first step if you're going to date.  It's not difficult to know.  You can look up it old school in the dictionary and shit or an encyclopedia or you use that machine?  You know that machine that you whack off to every day while watching throngs of lesbians?  That one.  You can use that new thing on the machine called Google and the Wikepedia. It's fucking novel.  Link to Wiki Dating I did that in like 20 seconds.  That included linking it and naming it.  20 seconds it takes not to fuck someone over because YOU are stupid. And LAZY. 
  • Pretending like you have no clue what's going on because you're too nervous, sketchy, and your balls are too small to admit it.  I mean, seriously now, grow a set.  The whole "I didn't know where we were going" thing doesn't work when you know it's wrong to date other women. You can't not know and then know.  It doesn't work that way.  The first rule of dating exculsively is don't date other people.  It's called cheating.  Cheating is bad.  Cheating means why did you date in the first place?Seriously. 
  • After a week of dating, you announce that the other women/men in a picture with your partner are "hot". Even telling your partner that he/she is "hot too" doesn't make it any less classy.  Respect motherfucker...respect.  Get.  Some.  
  • You keep the phone numbers of all the women/men you've met, fucked, danced with once, and spoke to, in your phone.  Yeah, exes (or people who think they are exes) have no place in a current relationship. They just don't.  Unless there's kids involved and even then...the exes need know there place.  
  • Communication - if you can't hear or don't want to hear?  Saythefuckso.  Do you think people enjoy doing all that thinking to come up with bizarre bullshit to keep you entertained?  Fuck no.  If you don't want to hear or can't hear shit - say that shit.  Quiet can be fantastic.  Most people don't know that shit because they get caught up in idle chit chat. (I wrote a blog about that ------> (Click Link to Read)  Chit chat is mostly bullshit.  So Enjoy the Silence (Depeche Mode),  For real, turn on the music or just sit and enjoy.  Talking is overrated. 
  • If your favorite band BLOWS do not play that shit on a loop.  In all honesty, don't play any band over and over.  Nice background music or head banging, fuck music.  Hearing the same song (that you don't fucking know) over and over can make a person bang their head against the wall or interior car door, whichever. 
  • Seeing live music is awesome.  Seeing the same live band over and over...again...head banging (see above) Try something your partner likes.  You know the old "give and take"? Compromise?  Heard of it?  Use the Google.  
  • Do not say that you want to wait to have sex, have sex, then complain cause there isn't enough sex. This does not endear any person to you.  It just doesn't.  Whining isn't accepted about most things, but about sex?  After a few weeks?  There's a problem.  Don't get me is huge. If ain't satisfying, the relationship ain't flying. (dudes, that rhymed) However, in the very beginning...all that stuff (up there) is more important.  If you don't understand that stuff, there is no sex.  Believe that shit.
  • The last thing I'd like to say on this subject is that dating is never perfect.  It won't always be fun.  Shit gets real sometimes.  It happens.  Only you can control how you react to that shit.  You need to like your partner and accept all their shit if you're serious.  Dating isn't always about sex.  Sometimes it's family night with the kids, sometimes it's a picnic in the park, sometimes it's out drunk...whatever it is?  Cherish that shit.  Enjoy the moment.  Life is way fucking short, guys.  

In closing...please know that while this is loosely based on my experiences it has been embelished for humor's sake.  Also, These are not not bad men, they just make bad decisions.  They can't help it; it comes with the penis.


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Vacation made me sad

How vacation made me sad…

Recently I took a short trip with my Mini and the Drunken Queen.  It was a fantastic before-school-starts trip.  We went to see La Nouba Link -------> Link, and it was fabulous.  I cannot even describe how much in love with this show I am.  The Mini and the DQ loved it as well.  There is nothing more satisfying than looking at your kid in mid show and seeing the awe in her eyes.  You guys, the Mini is growing up.  This will be further evidenced during the rest of this story.  *sigh*

The hotel pool that someone pooped in
We left on a Tuesday and checked into our hotel.  All was fab.  We hadn’t even fought that much on the way.  Yay, us.  As soon as all the check in hoopla was over, we whipped on our suits and headed for the pool.  At the pool for about an hour when they kick us out because the pool had been contaminated.  This is a euphemism for some fucking dirty ass kid shit in the pool.  That was fine because it started to rain anyway.  Headed for food.   After pizza, nachos and a giant Lime-A-Rita, it was time for nap before the show (La Nouba at 6).

The hotel smoking section - right under the Make A Wish cancer fund sign

Me and the Mini ready for the night!  Yes, I ran out of hair product.

As I’ve previously mentioned, La Nouba was fantastic.   Loved the entire 2 hours.  Seriously.  Worth the price of admission.  I would (and will) see it again.  If you aren’t familiar with Cirque De Soleil, I’ve provided the link because I’m cool like that Link -----> Link to AWESOME  La Nouba is the particular show that is performed in Orlando.  They have other shows around the country.  I’m sure they’re all fantastic.  I’m only talking about this one because it’s the only one I’ve seen.  However, if any of you feel like you wanna’ get me a gift, tix to the Elvis Cirque in Vegas would be great!  After the show, I asked the Mini her favorite part and she replied “the hot silk guy”.  My 11 year old daughter was checking out dudes.  Ummmm…NO.  This couldn’t be happening.  Okay, the guy was hot but not the best in the show.  Like not even in the top 3 for me.  Nope…he was her favorite.  Kill. Me. Now. Sad.

So after the show we went to dinner at one of the kitschy, overpriced, tourist restaurants at Downtown Disney Westside because “why not?”  We were on vacation.  We at this place called Splitsville Link to kitschy, awesome place It was a bowling alley restaurant.  I totally want to have a party here.   It’s too damn cute.  The food was great, there was bowling everywhere.  My kinda’ place.  And then, the arguing began. The Mini and the DQ.  They’ll make ya fucking insane.  Or maybe just me.  Who knows?  They wear on my nerves, the two of them.  They’ll argue about everything…the cost of food, the amount of food, what kind of food, who’s eating what food…WHO FUCKING CARES?  Sad.

Anyway, after dinner there was no shopping or walking or people watching or anything.  Know why?  We had to take a fucking boat across the pond to Pleasure Island (insert link) to get to the car.  Yes, we took the fucking boat there too.  Know why?  The DQ can’t walk that far.  Don’t get me wrong, the boat ride was fine and I wasn’t angry.  Just fucking sad because this bit of info means the DQ is too fucking old and cannot do this shit anymore.  She’s always been my fallback person.  Every big trip I’ve been on?  So has she.  We have been all over Europe including Italy twice, Alaska, in 36 mainland states, Mexico, Canada, #alltheplaces.  The thought that she can no longer do this, kills me.  I’m dying.  My daughter is growing up and my mother is getting old.  Yep, old.  She’s fighting it every step of the way but she can’t do it and it makes me sad.  I make jokes about her getting her a hover round.  I’m not really kidding.  I mean seriously, get that shit…we will use it to our advantage.  That’s probably wrong...but so.  My mother is old, I’m using that shit.  Sad.

The Mini and DQ on the boat ride to La Nouba

The next day we get up (not so spryly) to go to the Magic Kingdom.  Now folks, even though the Mini picked this as her place to go, it’s my favorite place ever.  Me and the giant rat go way back.  Going in, I thought I’m older so maybe it won’t have that giddy effect on me.  Nope.  It was solid.  I fucking love Disney World.  I was like a kid.  I ran.  Yep, me.  Don’t laugh.  I stood in all the lines.   I was hot, sweaty, sunburned, tired, achy, and having #allthefun.  My grin was huge and unmoving.  I was in my element. (Keep in mind it was 103 degrees)  The Mini was keeping up with me and riding the rides.  This is a first, folks.  The Mini doesn’t ride rides.  Well, she didn’t.  She kicked ass.  I was super impressed.  Besides the people (#Ihatepeople), the big rat paid off.

Waiting on the tram cuz DUH.

I get bored waiting in line. 

Now the sad…The DQ walked really slowly throughout the park and we kept losing her.  In fact, while we were riding Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, we lost her for good.  Not really, but we got separated for the rest of the day.  I had no phone so we had to go old school, you know…wing it.  During our separation, I learned two things.  My mother’s need for a hover round was solidified and my child is growing up and that there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop it.  The Mini and I felt really badly that the DQ got separated, however, it worked to everyone’s benefit.  The DQ got to walk slowly and watch old lady shows and the Mini I got to RIDE.  While in line for 55 minutes for the Mini’s first time on Space Mountain, I witnessed the Mini and the goddamned BOY in front of us flirting.  Right in front of me.  What the fuck?  I was completely mortified.  And, sad.

In closing for those of you who follow my Facebook page https://m.facebook/ThePreciousPrincesss
 you now know the source of my crankiness on Disney Day.  I’m really just sad.  I’m losing them both and I DON’T WANNA.   I’m selfish, stuff sucks, and I hate carrying luggage.  Sad.