Friday, July 1, 2016

Is English Your Second Language - Dating Part III

Is English your second language?  In the grimy underworld of online dating, this seems to be the question I want to begin most messages with.  I'm fine if it is your second language. Let a bitch know so I don't think you dropped out in the 3rd grade and now you're out in the world messaging me pretending to be a grown ass man with a job & shit.  

Being a user of online dating services numerous times over the last 7 years I've noticed that some serious fuckery occurs.  Not just the members are guilty of said fuckery.  The sites blow ass chunks too. These dating sites need to take a lesson from Fuckerburg and get their shit together.  It can't be that hard.  Facebook is a free site and and those bitches know the last time I pooped and what kind of toilet paper I used because you can be damn sure there's ad for it the second I log on.  The only thing these sites have in common with Facebook is their nonstop need to get my money.  Denied.

The sites

A perfect example dating website shenanigans.  My first day back on display, I go directly to my matches because I'm all excited and shit because the man of dreams is going to be waiting for me. Negative.  You know who was waiting in my matches?  My next door neighbor (an ex meth dealer who was released from a federal penitentiary two years ago, and has seen me naked a million times because I don't close my curtains - zero fucks given here), a dude I hang out with every Friday night (for years), my ex best friend's brother-in-law (who I know well enough to have spent 9 days in Alaska with), my first Florida boyfriend's little brother (I've known him since he was 12 and still know him as an adult because he might be a bar whore), and a guy I've known for years (and cannot fucking stand). It was like Facebook's "People you might know".  I already know all those people and I have zero interest in them.  Zero.  So much for meeting new people, shitty dating website.  I wanted to just give up immediately because seriously, this kind of bullshit makes my face squinch up. I'm not attractive with a squinchy face. Trust me.

These sites also get off on subjecting its members to horrible quizzes.  They are tedious, annoying, and by the time I finished with just 2 of them (there are 5 on this particular site) I wanted to stab every person on the site.  Seriously, if the fucking men and women on these sites can't even bother to read the paragraph I so painstakingly typed up to describe my bad self, I'm pretty fucking certain they aren't reading the 3 page long quiz results to see if we are a personality match.  Get off my tip with your tests, dating site.

The members

Please, please read my list of my Dating Profile Dont's by clicking HERE after you finish this post. In addition to that list, I've found some new shit that bunches my thong (and it's hard to bunch a thong). Men with the profile pic of them in bed.  You know, the head on the pillow looking all dreamy?  So not.  They do not look dreamy.  They look downright scary.  Scary like they have bitches tied up in the basement.  I'm not sure the reasoning behind this particular pose but if you know anybody who's particularly fond of it? Tell them to fuck off for me.

The profile "about me" section is not meant for 1 line of text that says: "I'll fill this out later" or "If you want to know, ask me" (and about 75% of profiles state one of those).  If I wanted to ask you shit, I'd be at the bar asking not trolling a goddamn website, BITCH (I totally shook my head like a black girl while I typed that - picture it).  The best fucking thing about a dating website is that you have time to properly describe yourself without downing 7 vodka drinks like at the bar.  For fuck sake, handle that shit.

Every guy on the site cannot have the tag line "Looking for a Good Woman (usually spelled women)".  There needs to be a limit on tag line usage.  Like email addresses.  There can be only one, motherfucker.  Sites, do your damn job.  Good woman, my ass.

And last but so not least - This is my 3rd attempt to date via the internets.  There are currently 27 men on this particular site that I have talked to at least once since the first time I did this shit 7 years ago. Each and every one of these 27 men has the same profile picture as they did then.

Every.  Single. One.  

Makes ya' think, don't it? 

PPB aka the Precious Princess - The Princess is a twice divorced, currently single, self-proclaimed member of the mentally hilarious. She has been referred to as living under a rock stocked with vodka and anger. Her 13 year old “Mini”, who is carbon copy of the Princess, is often the subject of blogs, and Facebook posts. In addition, she writes about dating, the dumbness of boys, life after 40, and shares stories from Bananaland which is both her past and current residence. She is the owner/sole admin for the Facebook page Precious Princess's Guide to Bananaland where she is famous for her rants and her blunt, honest, and sarcastic look at life. She blogs both extremely funny and all-the-feels posts at Princess Bananaland. She hates people, kids, and karaoke. She uses all the swears and makes up dirty words.