Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Mini things, 10 of them...

10 things everyone should know about the Princess Mini-Me aka the Mini
And I didn't say they were important things, just things you should know.

1 – She doesn’t eat vegetables.  Of any kind.  She claims that she eats corn and potatoes.  She will eat corn on the cob, ONLY, and she never eats all of it.  Also, corn is a starch.  I don’t consider it a vegetable. Potatoes?  HA!  Not even.  This is the only kid in the free world who doesn’t like mashed potatoes. Wait she does eat those instant cheese or garlic flavored mashed potatoes.  Yep, not a  vegetable or a potato. She eats french fries.  And, potatoes are a tuber.  Again, NOT a vegetable.  However, she insists they are.  She can not even be tricked into drinking those ‘V’ Capri suns or V8 Splash or any of that nonsense.  This is the same kid who used to eat green beans for dinner a few short years ago.  I can’t even process veggies and sneak them into things anymore.  She knows.  Whatever.

2 – Her favorite answer to any question about why she did something?  “Because I can”.  This infuriates the SAB to no end.  I laugh (this makes even more furious, ooops).  It’s just the first answer.  She will give you a real answer.  You just have to wait for it.  She’s all about the joke.  Not sure where that shit comes from.  

3-She can broad-jump 9 tiles in the grocery without running and 13 if she gets a running head start.  What?This is good fun.  Don’t go getting all judgey on me.  The grocery sucks.  We have to make our own fun. So, we do.  Ham-hat anyone?  Yes, a ham-hat is when you get a ham or a ½ ham and put it on your head and dance.  Yes, dance.  We also make hair ties and headbands from produce bags.  Yes, we wear them.  It’s awesome. 

4- The Mini desperately wants a dog and is completely terrified of dogs.  It’s Bananaland (See?).  I’m terrified of dogs myself so I get it.  Kind of.  I don’t want a dog though.  In her defense, she does want a little yap-yap dog.  Most of the dogs she’s afraid of are bigger dogs.  The kind that jump and bark really loud. Cause well, they’re scary.  Really.  However, the whole afraidofadog-wantadog thing?  Is weird. 

5-In her 10 short years, the Mini has traveled to Las Vegas, Chicago, Seattle, Jamaica, the Bahamas, Tennessee, South Carolina, Alaska, Italy (Venice, Rome, Florence, Pisa, Assisi & Verona) and all over the state of Florida.  Her greatest memory?  Making a hole in one at the Hillbilly Golf course in Gatlinburg, TN. Seriously.  Well, that and the time I ‘left’ her in Florence.  ‘Left’ her with her Father and Grandmother while I went to buy boots.  What?  It was Florence.  Hello.  Italian leather boots.  

6-The girl is a complete con artist.  Not like your everyday kid con artist.  Like a sneaky grown up con artist.  She could talk a dog off a meat wagon. (don’t laugh, I know you like my ole’ hillbilly line)  I kid you not this child will argue, lie and even make up shit to get you to buy whatever she’s selling.  At the end of the day she’ll come clean.  But, you MUST go through the entire circle of fucktard prior to getting there.  It makes me tired.  However, I kinda like it.  And, it’s funny.  

7-The Mini can cry on demand.  Like really cry.  Full on facey-frowny, tears and the wailing.  It is a cool thing to watch.  The transformation is amazing.  Yes, she lets me watch the fakeness.  And then she forgets that I’ve seen it and tries to use it on me.  She’s 10.  Smart, but 10.  I win every time.  

8-This child is terrified of loud noises.  The vacuum freaks her out totally.  She has to crawl up on the bed or the couch when the SAB or I are vacuuming.  Once it’s on for a few minutes, she’s ok.  She’s getting better. I’ve even gotten her to use the vacuum a few times so she knows it’s not going to eat her.  Or is it?  The hairdryer.  The child will get out of her bed to come and close the bathroom door so she doesn’t have to hear the dreaded hairdryer.  I’m beginning to wonder if she isn’t so much afraid of these noises but that these noises annoy her.  Shit, they annoy me too.  Inventors, where are the silencers for small appliances?  Come on.  If they make silencers for guns why can’t they make one for my hairdryer?  Really.  I have questions.  

9-She is mostly computer & video game illiterate.  She can play video games and get on-line and do some basics but it just isn’t her thing.  She becomes bored easily and gets way too aggravated for video games. (Her patience is a lil thin) Also, searching for stuff on the internet and then choosing it?  Is way too much like work.  School work.  She wants no part.  Her Pou (pet turd – shut up, it IS a pet turd – Google it) is about her most adventurous feat. She has a tablet that she breaks at least a week, a DSi that she plays games on but mostly uses it for the camera/video, and an ipod (she does love the tunes).  However, her ipod hardly has any songs so she just helps herself to mine. Rather than go on the dreaded internet and CHOOSE HER OWN MUSIC, she just uses mine.  Pfffffttt.  Best part of her electronic issue?  The kid can run really fast, jump far (see #3 above), ride her bike backward, swim like a fish (in a pool, not WITH the fish), dance all over the house like she’s in a musical and watch the hell outta some ‘My Little Pony’, ‘Joseph’, ‘Mulan’ and ‘The Littlest Pet Shop’.  She likes to play Barbies and ponies and pretend games and draw.  She draws pictures everywhere. And on everything.  *proud Momma beams* 
Now, if I could only get her to read a book.  *sigh*

10-The Mini loves hats.  All kinds of hats.  Baseball caps, derby hats, fedoras, big hats, little hats and obviously…ham-hats.  With the hats?  She likes glasses.  You know these clear glass glasses they have all over the place now?  Those.  Every time she gets a few extra dollars her butt is off to the store to buy glasses & hats.  And she wears them with her weirdo outfits.  You know, the suspenders and mismatched socks? Yep, that’s my kid.  She rocks.  Just like her Momma.  Really.  I know stuff. 

The Mini.  She made this herself on PicMonkey.  She really does rock!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Stuff that pisses me off, even more...the 2nd in a series of many

Yep...there are more things.  If you've read part 1 of the things that piss me off? You will fer sure know that this shit is serious.  Okay, so not really.  However, this stuff still pisses me off.  So there.

Please mind your own damn business.  If I didn't tell you my business?  It's because I didn't fucking want you to know. Or, I totally forgot and you'll find out eventually.  My business is not your business.  If you overhear my business?  Do what you like with it EXCEPT ask me questions about it.  You overheard it because you're a nosy douche.  So, keep it to yourself, tell the neighbors, call the papers, post it on Facebook, tweet it, whatever...just don't ask me about it.  If you forget this and ask me about it?  Don't get all prissy when I tell you to go fuck yourself.  Just don't.

Manners.  Get some.  Everyone.  I'm a bitch.  Whatever.  I still know how to say excuse me or hold a door.


There has not been a single instance where I've gone to the grocery with the Mini where I didn't have to explain this to her :

They bump into her, ram their carts into her, and will stand behind her and huff and puff while she chooses her ice cream.  She does take forever to choose the damn ice cream flavor. She's 10.  HELLO.  However, if one time Mr. or Mrs. Huffypants would just say "excuse me", the Mini would move right outta their way. And, yes, I announce how rude the person is.  It's 2 words.  Get off of your damn cell phone and use your words.  Didn't we learn that shit when we were like 3?  These are the same people who say "kids these days are so disrespectful" and other lame & sometimes true shit like that.  Still.  It pisses me off.  Huge.

Keep your fucking animals away from me.  I don't like them.  Dogs scare me. Cats are okay but they ick me sometimes.  If I think your pet is cute?  I'll walk right over and tell you and do that whole ooohhhh and ahhhhh thing.  I don't care if you've known me my whole life or your a stranger.  I do NOT want your pet's slobber, hair, fleas, food remnants and whatnot, ON ME.  I'm not an animal hater but you people with all these damn animals need to realize that not everyone shares your love for the four legged beings.  Also, if your dog jumps on people, and you should know this cause it's supposed be like well, YOUR dog...don't leave the damn thing out when you invite people to your house.  See manners.  And seriously, leave your pets at home when you're at parades, bars, restaurants, theme parks, groceries stores, the mall, etc.  They have places just for pets.  Dog parks, regular parks, the woods.  Whatever.  Take them there.  Your pet does not have to accompany you on your people outings.  Really.  I know stuff.


No, I don't want to hold your baby.  Ever. That's why it's YOUR baby.  I love babies.  They rock.  They're cute and they coo and they're mostly quiet (that's the best part) and they wear really cute baby clothes and have tiny feet (I dig tiny feet) and stuff but I DON'T WANT TO HOLD YOUR BABY.  This freaks me out. I'm terrified I'm going to the be the one to break your child.  Stuff happens.  It's me.  I totally know that once I have your bundle of joy in my arms, a giant spider will decide that it's time to crawl on my foot and your baby will soaring through air while I scream bloody murder and run so fast fire shoots out of my shoes like in the cartoons.  Yes, I had a baby.  But, it was MY baby.  If I broke her, it was my fault and I had no one to blame but myself. Now, if you're lucky enough to be my close friend, a whole different baby scenario could ensue.  Because you're my friend.  The baby will still soar through the air when the spider lands on my foot, but I will yell "CATCH IT" as I run.  I'm not sure if the fire will still shoot from my shoes.  I'll have to test that.  Also, almost every damn time somebody holds a baby that isn't theirs that whole crying thing starts. Babies hate that shit.  They told me.  The babies.

Do NOT show up to my humble abode unannounced.  This is the rudest of all rude.  Mostly on my part. Because if you do show up without advance notice, I will be more rude than you've probably ever experienced.  Listen, I work all day and then I run errands, do the Mini thing, cook, clean, etc...  When I get to the homestead, I'm bra-less and most times, pant-less.  This is not something you need to witness.  Also, all my crazy OCD & Etiquette stuff starts and I freak because I have nothing prepared for you. Crumpets, tea what-the-fuck-ever.  If I don't know to expect you, I'll have nothing ready.  And that?  Is all bad.  Also, some of my bric a brac and whatnot could be out of place.  I cannot have another human being see this.  I just can't.  Yes, I realize this is insane.  Whatever.  Show up at my house unannounced and see what you get. Fat lotta nothin and one pissed off Princess.  However, if you do show up?  Bring vodka, the caramel kind. And a snack or two.  And a bra and some pants - the sweat kind. At least you'll get to see me for a minute before I slam the door in your face.  What?  I want the stuff.  Seriously though, the joke will be on you.  

Oh and yeah, I totally internet lifted and face-lifted the pics.  The original images can be found at the following:

www.theparksimagegroup.com -

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Epic Award

The Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness!
Well, I'm totally AWESOMED OUT.
I was nominated for
The Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness!
I was nominated by Surrounded by Shirt Suckers AND It's Why You Like Me who are both totally cool.  For real.  I know stuff. 

Here’s the deats on the award…
1. Display award logo
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. Share 10 things about yourself
4. Nominate 10 other bloggers.

  • I have a weird pork thing.  About eating it, I mean.  I'm really picky and pork stuff freaks me out.  Do not confuse this with bacon.  Bacon is different.  Really.
  • I love flip flops.  They are the best.  I have like 9 pair.  I always wear the same pair.  Always.
  • 2 of my most goodest friends are fellow bloggers.
  • My (our, me and the SAB) dream is to run a food truck or a small restaurant.
  • I love caramel vodka. (you'd have to be totally ignoring my FB page not to know this, however, it's worth repeating.  really)
  • I work full-time.  In an office.
  • The SAB does all of the driving.  All of it.  He's been my passenger ONCE for 1.5blocks.  Ever.  In over two and half years.  I hate to drive and he's all manly & stuff.
  • "Whatever" is the solution to most of my daily issues.
  • Clicking on links ticks me off.  I do it.  I hate it.
  • I got pregnant with my only child, 30 days after stopping "the pill"  I was 32.

My 10 fine folks I'm donning with 
The Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness!
Oh, and I don't care if they already have one and stuff.  I like 'em. So go give em' some smoochydoodles. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

There's no fucking pizza here...

So, most of you know I live in Florida and I LOVE IT.  And, a bunch of you know that I’m from the Chicago area and I moved to Florida on my 16th birthday.  None of you know the events that turned the Ilovethecitygirl into the Ilovethebeachgirl.  It was long.  It was ugly.  And, there was no fucking pizza.

October 1985.  We have a lovely visit to Port Orange, FL cause’ Jimbo's (the amazing not so stepdad) best friend and his family moved there.  I had been to Florida when I was much younger.  Even visited the same area (weird, no?).  It was okay.  It was vacation. I wasn't in school, so...who cared where we were.  Back to October 1985.  I remember it well because my 15 year old ass went trick or treating.  Whatever.  It was candy.  And, it was FREE.  So, we have a great vacation with the friends and all is well.  We head home and my awesome parents inform me that we are going to move to…Florida.  Whaaaaaaaaa???  I’m 15 years old, lived in the same house my whole life, know the same people my whole life, you KNOW.  It will take a bit, don’t worry they said.  We have to sell the house, get things in order, settle financial stuff they said.  Ummmm, okay.  I wait.  I go about my normal routine thinking they will forget about this whole moving thing.

Fast forward…June 9, 1986. 8 months after our vacation, we were leaving to move to Florida.  Our house sold in some crazy number of days like 3 or something.  Of course it did.  My best friend since I was 7 years old came with us.  Like really with us.  Like, she packed everything she owned, her mother gave her permission, my parents said okay and we were moving to Florida, TOGETHER.  I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her.  We were both still totally bummed about this move thing.  Totally bummed.  Isn’t it cool that I had such a good friend?  She rocked.  She lasted 2 months.  Such is life.

I’m totally gonna skip all the driving from Illinois to Florida in 2 separate vehicles, with a cat, a 6 year old (baby sister), my parents and us.  It sucked.  I will throw this tidbit of info in cause you all love the Drunken Queen.  On the way out of town we stopped for lunch.  At an 84Lumber.  They were giving away free hotdogs as a promotion.  The Drunken Queen?  Frugal.  This Princess? *ashamed* I ate a fucking hot dog though.  I sure did.  Oh, and our cat?  Was never the same.

We arrived in beautiful sunny Florida, found a place to rent and began the search for a house to buy. But first, the parental unit decided we were going spend several weeks traveling around the state.  Great.  Uproot me, rent and then travel so we will fer sure get to know nobody before school starts.  This traveling involved a lot of searching for what Chicago is famous for.  Know what that is?  PIZZA.  Know what Florida didn’t have?  Pizza.  It’s true. No pizza (that was edible), no good beef (have you seen the skinny ass cows in Florida?), no Squirt (It’s a drink.  Google it), no delis, no bakeries, no giardiniera for my Italian beef, no Vienna beef hot dogs, no White Castle, no everything I loved…  I could go on, but you get the idea.  For years, we had pizza shipped from our hometown.  5 pizzas at a time, par-cooked.  (We still do this for special occasions) Yep.  A good portion of our grocery items were shipped via visiting relatives.  Looking back?  We were insane. Or maybe just not good at change.

This here is a Chicago Pizza.  The best kind ever.  Pizza is to be cut in squares.  And have sausage.  Yes, sausage.  Real sausage.  With spices and fennel.  I didn't try pepperoni until I was 12 or 13 years old.  Because?  Sausage.  Or, if you're from Chicago? SASSAGE.

The food. We found no pizza, beef, or any of that stuff...FOR. YEARS.  You will be happy to know that most of our favorite food items are currently sold in Florida or can be purchased online.  I make my own Italian beef, a bunch of places carry Vienna beef hot dogs, Squirt is everywhere...you get the idea.  The pizza is still iffy but I've found alternatives (lowered my standards).  It took many years but we had finally found all of our Chicagofood needs.  Yes, it's important.  I (we) like to eat.  K? K>

The sun.  It's bad. (can be bad)  I've had 3rd degree burns on my entire body.  TWICE.  I keep telling you I'm not that bright.  In all honesty, the burns were mostly due to dehydration.  Too much beer, too much sun, not enough water. I used to hate the beach.  The parental unit made me go.  They loved it.  Dicks.  I hated sand in my hooha.  Yes, sand will get in your hooha when you're at the beach.  There is no way around it.  Seriously.  Even if you NEVER sit in the sand.  It's magic sand.  Not only is it in your hooha, it's in your car, on your feet, trapped in your bathing suit, in your hair, everywhere you have a crevice.  Pretty much.  Embrace it.  It's sand.

I was into my 19th year of living in Florida and married to my 2nd husband when one day, I realized...I like it here.  I live here.  I like it here.  I love the weather.  I love my house.  I'm happy here. It was one of those eye opening, spiritual, cool, uplifting moments.  It was good.  I still refer to my hometown Chicago as "home" but it's mostly of habit.  I learned to love the beach.  It is my very favorite place, ever. The sound of the ocean is soothing and awesome.  The sharks aren't that cool but I don't go in the water so I'm good.

I meet people almost every day that are new to Florida.  Most of them?  Not happy.  The wedidn'tdoitthiswaybackhome thing kicks in.  Just like me.  I smile as I remember my own experience.  I proceed to tell them how much I love it here.  How the weather is beautiful, and the only thing I would change is possibly move FARTHER South cause I get cold when the temp drops below 80 degrees. (This is real, I wear sweaters everywhere) They complain about the low paying jobs and lack of jobs.  Just wait til you're outside in December.  In shorts.  Without the snowsuit and the shovel.  You'll be glad for your low paying jobs.  Also, no state taxes here.  That's a huge chunka cash.  Yes, there are negatives...hurricanes, tornadoes, humidity, bugs as big as your hand.  You get used to it.  And when new residents ask how long it took before I got "used" to it here.  19 years is my reply.  19 years.

PS -  That whole yourbloodthins thing?  Is a farce.  It's absolutely not true.

How does South Florida's warm climate affect your health?
January 21, 2011|By Ken Kaye, Sun Sentinel

Here's a cold, hard fact: No matter how long you live in South Florida, your blood will not thin out and make you sensitive to chilly weather.

See?  I promise.  I know stuff.

PS- Da' Bears :)

*This is a link to my favorite pizza place back home.  They ship.  They Rock.  Ed & Joes in Tinley Park.