Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Idle Chits & Chats, SUCK

Have you ever…

Sat someplace with a group of people that you had no interest in communicating with?

It’s a situation that happens to everyone at some point.  Unfortunately, it happens to me?  A lot.  I hate people.  I have no desire to participate in idle chit-chat about your (or my) mundane life.   I mean really.  I do laundry, have kids, cook meals, have sexy-time just like everybody else.  I don’t need to hear about how someone else performs these tasks.  Do I?  No.  I’m rather at peace with my own thoughts.  I can entertain myself.  It’s true.

The part I hate most in these situations is that people give me the stink-eye and such because I’m not a participat-er.  Like I’m some kind of damn freak (I am, just not about this) because I don't want to hear their shit.  I’m comfortable just sitting quietly and reading or looking at my phone or writing or thinking about my own sad life or anything rather than hear about how about how you just learned to make low-fat cheese balls.  I mean honestly here, I can’t be the only one.  Can I?  Also, I damn sure don’t want to know your opinions on religion, politics or what year Ford made the best Mustang.  I don’t care if your boyfriendgirlfriendwifehusband cheats/sleeps/leaves/eats too much.   I just don’t.  I have enough stuff going on in my own life that I can’t keep track of.  Now I’m expected to follow your shit too?   Mind your damn business you dirty ole' stink-eye givers.  Don’t hate me cause’ I have no interest in your game.   Oh and while you’re at it, go poop in a hat.  (I just love that. Poop.  In a hat.  Ha!)

Oh and the topics of discussion that usually occur in these situations?  PUHLEASE.  Why do people think that while sitting in a room with strangers or people you barely know is the time to bring up that fact that you are a die-hard right-winger or that you can only poop on Tuesday, or that you have to vomit every time you eat, or that you are highly allergic to dust?  I.  Don’t.  Care.   Also, I doubt anyone else cares.  Unless you have something to say that directly involves me or my family?  I.  Don’t.  Care.  Now don’t mistake me for being rude.  I’m not that.  I’ll make eye contact and give a ‘hello’ and answer any questions pertinent to the situation.  I do not, however, want to see pictures of kids, dogs or hear that you’re getting kicked out of your house cause’ you’re a swinger. (“Can you believe my neighbors actually filed a complaint?”)  I’m just not interested.  Look around fuckers.  Nobody cares so…shut it.  Really.

The white noise is also awesome.  That’s what it’s like.  The blabbing of a bagillion (yes, a bagillion) people talking smack about nothing can be overwhelming.  Seriously, I know stuff.  Come on, if you’re in a room with more than like 5 people?  All of the talking becomes one big hum. (White noise) You can’t tell where one person’s complaining about the kids starts and another’s diatribe about the Middle East ends.  Shut up.  Reading.  Over here.  Dicks. This especially blows while trying to work.  The rumbling of a bagillion voices in my head is for sure not conducive to actually accomplishing anything.  Especially when mixed with the voices that already live in my head.  Come on people.

I guess I’ve just never been one of those cool people who can handle the shit outta some small talk.  I can do it.  I just prefer not.  It gives me all kindsa heebie jeebies and sends my anxiety into overdrive.

Anyhow, if you come across me in one of these situations, I’d appreciate it if you just shut up.  My Doctor and I thank you in advance.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I like the dentist.

Nope, this post isn't about the dentist.  Not even a little.  It's about dating & relationships.  Any relationship, really.

You know when you first begin to date someone and you begin the 'getting to know you' stage?  You discuss your likes, your dislikes and all that good happy shit.  You remember that, right?  Come on, it hasn't been that long.  When the SAB and I first started dating we found we had so many things in common.  It was weird.  Not in a bad way, just weird.

We had all the big things in common like neither of us wanted more kids and we both lean toward the left in political views.  We had both been married twice.  In fact, we each got married the same year both times AND were married for the same number of years each time.  (wacky)  I had an 8 year old daughter and he had an 8 year old daughter (and a 16 year old daughter).  Also, we were both self proclaimed dating whores.  

All that stuff is actually kind of common, however, it's the little things.  Right?  Me and the SAB (yes, I know it's grammatically incorrect, suck it) liked the same songs and the same movies.  That's pretty normal. However, we both recite movie lines and when he would start singing some off-the-wall song?  I could finish it.  (yes, in public...what. ever.)  TV shows & food.  The same deal.  We even drank the same damn drink. After a few months of dating we could have taken 1st place on the Newlywed Game simply because our answers were all the same.  I mean seriously, we even ordered the same ice cream conconction from Cold Stone Creamery.  (German Chocolate Cake, YUM)  We referred to each other as the 'opposite gender version' of one another.  It was uncanny.  (the word uncanny is totally underused)   How we responded to things and our thoughts and emotions about almost everything - same.  

I know lots of you out there have probably experienced all this stuff.  Am I right?  Well me being the awesomely cynical human I am? I started second guessing all that shite.  We can't be exactly the same, can we?  Then this happened: "You just cannot like everything I like.  If I said I like the dentist, you'd say you like the dentist too". Of course he denied it .  Whatever.  He'd have a eaten a turd on the roof of a laundromat with me (and say he loved it) if I'd have asked.   And so it goes...  "I like the dentist" became our running joke.  Still is. We're extremely immature.  Shaddap.

Fast forward 2.75 years later.  We are still amazed every day at our similarties.  Each day we find new things that we have in common.  We have also found that all those "I like the dentist" things aren't as alike as we thought.  For example, the SAB does enjoy watching Sex and the City reruns with me, however, he'd be much more content watching some dumbass documentary on Hugo Chavez or some other such bullshit. Also, while I can really dig on some fried food, I don't want to eat it every day like the SAB would do if I wasn't around.  Yes, I'm still trying to figure out how to fry mayonnaise.  What?  I'll be sure to the keep the life insurance policy updated.

Anyhow, even though I now look back and think "I went to a fucking houka bar with this man?", it was all worth it cause in the end?  We both "like the dentist". 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Holy Wow! I'm so excited to be co-hosting the Tattler Thursday Blog & Social Network Hop among the likes of these awesome bloggers! Anyhow, be sure and link up your blog and your Facebook, Twitter and Bloglovin below. Hopefully, I've done everything right and it all works! SMOOCHYDOODLES and Thanks for hoppin!

Hiya Snappers! Welcome back to the 14th week of the Tattler Thursday Blog and Social Network Hop!

It's time to tattle and hop!

It's a share your crazy, gross, hilarious, in-the-trenches parenthood stories, kind of blog hop! We love funny kid stories and we want to hear yours!

Just leave a comment with your story, post not required! So think of your funniest, wackiest or favorite kid stories, leave a comment  with your story/tattle, follow your Hostesses and Co-Hostesses, visit and discover other blogs, and have fun!

Remember the easiest way to get a follow back is to like/follow other pages and leave a comment! So hop around, tell your friends and share, share, share! This is a hop designed for you to have fun and share! Happy Tattling!

about the Blog Hop HERE!

The Rules are:
1- Follow Your Host and Co-Hostesses
2- Grab the button and display it on your blog or hop page/section
3- Leave a comment with a funny, wacky, or gross kid story/tattle

*Be Sure to Hop over to other blogs and visit/network and share the Hop

*Have fun Hopping! (and come back next week!)

Your Hostesses
The Wild and Wonderful World of GingerssnapsComfytown Chronicles
The Co-Hostesses
I'm No Hum Drum Mum  
   Complete Bliss Blog

***If you are interested in co-hosting the blog hop or would like more information, you can reach us at tattlerthursday@gmail.com***

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Squirrely Blogger Award!

So yay, me!  I recieved this award from two awesome chicks! Shawna from Shawna in Wonderland and also the fab Joy at Comfytown Chronicles.  These two ladies rock ass so you should probably go check them out.  They gave ME an award, they must be fantastic, no?

The rules are to share 7 squirrely facts about myself and nominate 10 other bloggers.  I got this.  Or I'm gonna cheat like I always do.  Anyhow, I like big nuts and I cannot lie...here goes nothin.


  1. I wear glasses.  Did you know that?  I'll bet not.  Bifocals too.  My glasses are awesome.  They're red.  Like my kitchen.  I love red.  I only wear them for driving, reading or anytime I need to see. (not wearing them now
  2. I love ice cream, cereal and soup.  All things you eat in a bowl with a spoon.  However, I will NOT eat partially melted ice cream.  Hard packed is the only way to go. 
  3. For several years, I planned charitable events.  Me? I know, right.  I did so shush.
  4. I loved the smell of bacon frying way before bacon was cool. 
  5. I could live in Rome or possibly Lausanne (Switzerland).  Awesomeness.  If I had money and no kids and well, if.  You know. 
  6. I once lost 150lbs.  Thank you Weight Watchers and I've had extensive plastic surgery.
  7. I am no longer at the aforementioned weight.  I still have the plastic surgery scars.
Those are my facts.  Yep.  That's it. 

I'm nominating: 

It's close enough to 10.  I'm sitting on the porch and sweating balls.  

Vacation Bananaland style...

Yep, the Bananaland Family went on a weeks Summer vacation.  I could probably get 10 or 12 blog posts out of this one vacation, however, I'll spare you the bullshit and give you the highlights.  Yep.  Highlights.  

Cast of Characters:
 Me aka PP
 the SAB aka my Sexy American Boyfriend
 the Mini aka my smart mouthed 10 year old offspring
 Red aka the SAB's smart mouthed 10 year old offspring
 the Drunken Queen aka my mum.  

 1 night Busch Gardens - Tampa
 6 nights - Resort on St. Pete Beach Alden Beach Resort to be exact.  I cannot say enough good things  about this place!  Awesome service, clean, friendly, the whole bit. (No, they aren't paying me.) 
First things first.  I hadn't previously taken a week long vacation with TWO children.  That being said, we'll move on to hell week.  It was like being on vacation with the spawn of Satan and her red-headed evil step-sister.  How two normally average smart mouthed girls turned into heathens the second vacation began, I don't know.  

So we drive on over to the West coast.  It's about a 2.5 hour drive.  For regular people.  It took us over 3 hours cause we took a scenic a trip around a bridge and backtracked a bunch. (No, mom, we do NOT need directions, it's Busch Gardens - we've been there a million times) Whatever.  We got there. To our hotel.  Parked, hopped on a shuttle and BUSCH GARDENS HERE WE COME!  For those of you who are regulars on my FB page, you know I freaking love the shit outta some roller coasters and theme parks.  We met some friends, drank some beer, the girls hit some rides.  We rode the train (it was like 157degrees) twice and the sky buckets. (see any roller coasters listed there?  nope.) Then, the whining began.  No, not me.  "I'm hungry, I'm tired, It's hot, I don't wanna stand in line".  That whining.  Then the skies broke open and all hell broke loose.  Back on the shuttle, back to the hotel, hit the pool and oh yeah, THE POOL BAR.  Then it happened.  The shit hit the fan.  Or, the pool.  Someone took a poop in the pool.  Who does that shit? (sorry, giggle) Close the pool, whiny kids, storm again - can't go back to Busch Gardens.  Can, however, see the fireworks from our hotel. And on to St Pete Beach...

About a 30-40 minute drive once again took these awesome kids over an hour.  We don't pay attention a lot.  Arrive at the beautiful Alden Beach Resort and check into our kickass beach front suite.  

A few things you need to know.  Or, things you probably already know but I'm just figuring out.  Whatever, k? 

  • It is possible to plunge a toilet with a water bottle.  I'm not saying how or why I know this, but just know that it is indeed possible.
  • When you live in FL (like me), and you pack your fav new blue suede shoes (what? every girl needs blue suede shoes) that have already gotten wet (it rains here every day), prepare to set your entire suitcase on fire.(seriously, the smell was just that bad)  Or, you can do this...dump everything that stinks in the pool and hang over balcony to dry.  What? It's the perfect alternative to setting your clothes on fire.  
  • To pack 7 days worth of clothing for a trip to the beach?  Ridiculous. (I honestly thought we might like, ya know, do stuff?  We didn't.)  I never wore pants.  Never.  7 days and no pants.  One time I wore sweatpants but I don't think that counts.  We ALL wore bathing suits every day.  Also, the chaffing and constant feeling of 'damp' from wearing a bathing suit for 7 days?  Nothing can compare. Oh, and the itchy hoo-ha.  Yep, that rocked. 
  • Just because the liquor stores sell your favorite vodka in the half-gallon size?  Does not mean you should buy the same number of bottles as you would if buying the 1.75litre and drink them.  All of them.  (Now you know why we never wore pants) 
  • Do NOT under any circumstances attempt things of a sexual nature on the balcony after consuming tons of aforementioned vodka.  
  • I was shocked and amazed how many things our girls went without because they were told they had to pay for it.  They each had their own spending money and those lil tightwad bishes wouldn't spend a damn dime. They actually money left when we got home.  The SAB and I?  We have $14.00 between us.  Yep, we rock. 
  • Know your body.  I had know idea until 5 days into our vacation that I was pms'ing.  Seriously. Breakouts, horrible back pain (cramps), irritability (bitchiness).  None of these were clues.   Ha.  I'm awesome. 
Wasn't that informative?  I like to share and I know stuff. 

So, we spent the entire week, barbecuing, hanging at the pool, in the hot tub, at the beach and in general being lazy sloths.  Me, the SAB and the Drunken Queen?  We had a great time.  Those mean ole' little girls?  Not so much. One hated the beach, one hated the pool, one burns, one tans, one is hungry, the other isn't, one is pissed, the other is pissed, they hate us, they hate me, they hate the SAB. (they never hated the Drunken Queen)  Just plain damn mean.  They just argued, fought and in general acted like total creeps.  According to them?  It was great.  I'm pretty sure the fact that they stayed up all night watching 'Full House' and other such nonsense probably contributed to their lack of motivation to act like normal human beings, however, DIDN'T THEY KNOW I WAS ON VACATION? Selfish damn kids.  


So, have you learned anything from my mistakes?  Don't take your kids on vacation unless you have A LOT of vodka.  Oh, and all those other things I mentioned up there.  Remember those.  I know stuff.  

Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Shine On Award

The Shine On Award

I've been nominated for this SHINE ON award by two awesome fellow bloggers. One of the Whoreseome Threesome, Pink, and a new bloggy friend who is awesomely funny The hoare.  I haven't gotten an award in a while and I'm super awesome, so I'd figured I'd play.

Here are the rules. I won't be following them. I never do. Just seems dumb.
The rules to accepting the “Shine On” award are these-

*Post the “Shine On” award on your blog. I did that. See below.

*Link back to the blogger who nominated you. I also did that. I did, up there, the first paragraph. PAY ATTENTION.

*State 7 facts about yourself.
*Nominate 15 bloggers for this award.

1) Until this week, I had no idea what sharkweek was. I honestly thought it was some euphamism for porn or something. I cannot believe people are actually watching a show. about. sharks. Whatever.  Also, why does it take it a whole week?  Everything I need to know about sharks could be summed up in about 3 minutes.  Really.

2) I hate sports.  All of them.  The fact that football season is upcoming doesn't excite me in the least.  Play sports?  Maybe.  Watch them?  No.  I will still cause all kindsa crazytown if you don't like Da' Bears.  Cause you should. 

3) I think lightening bugs are way cool.  I could sit outside and watch them for hours.  I think.  We don't have them in Florida so maybe they've changed since 1986.  I'll have to see. For now I'll stick with they're cool. 

4) People are always saying "don't judge".  That's the first thing I do.  I'm very judgey (don't judge, whatever).  I judge immediately.  About everything.  My first judgement usually isn't what I stick with, however, call me Judy cause I'm judging.

5) I have never seen Judge Judy.  Or any other of these "judge" shows that are ever popular.  I find them depressing and ridiculous.  People are stupid, I don't want to watch them be stupid.

6) I am a teeth snob.  Dirty, broken or missing teeth all creep me out.  Take care of your teeth.  Just do it. 

7) I don't like breakfast in bed.  I love the idea of breakfast in bed.  The actual eating part never works.  I don't want egg yolks on my sheets.  Anything that requires a knife & fork should not be eaten in bed.  I'm thinking more 'dessert in bed' or 'cocktails in bed' might be more up my alley.

Okay, here's where I totally break the rules.  I'm nominating nobody.  I'm on vacation.  Shut it.  I will insert  the links to the two awesome blogs who nominated me, again, down here.  They are funny as shit.  Go check 'em out.