Cast of Characters:
Me aka PP
the SAB aka my Sexy American Boyfriend
the Mini aka my smart mouthed 10 year old offspring
Red aka the SAB's smart mouthed 10 year old offspring
the Drunken Queen aka my mum.
1 night Busch Gardens - Tampa
6 nights - Resort on St. Pete Beach Alden Beach Resort to be exact. I cannot say enough good things about this place! Awesome service, clean, friendly, the whole bit. (No, they aren't paying me.)
First things first. I hadn't previously taken a week long vacation with TWO children. That being said, we'll move on to hell week. It was like being on vacation with the spawn of Satan and her red-headed evil step-sister. How two normally average smart mouthed girls turned into heathens the second vacation began, I don't know.
So we drive on over to the West coast. It's about a 2.5 hour drive. For regular people. It took us over 3 hours cause we took a scenic a trip around a bridge and backtracked a bunch. (No, mom, we do NOT need directions, it's Busch Gardens - we've been there a million times) Whatever. We got there. To our hotel. Parked, hopped on a shuttle and BUSCH GARDENS HERE WE COME! For those of you who are regulars on my FB page, you know I freaking love the shit outta some roller coasters and theme parks. We met some friends, drank some beer, the girls hit some rides. We rode the train (it was like 157degrees) twice and the sky buckets. (see any roller coasters listed there? nope.) Then, the whining began. No, not me. "I'm hungry, I'm tired, It's hot, I don't wanna stand in line". That whining. Then the skies broke open and all hell broke loose. Back on the shuttle, back to the hotel, hit the pool and oh yeah, THE POOL BAR. Then it happened. The shit hit the fan. Or, the pool. Someone took a poop in the pool. Who does that shit? (sorry, giggle) Close the pool, whiny kids, storm again - can't go back to Busch Gardens. Can, however, see the fireworks from our hotel. And on to St Pete Beach...
About a 30-40 minute drive once again took these awesome kids over an hour. We don't pay attention a lot. Arrive at the beautiful Alden Beach Resort and check into our kickass beach front suite.
A few things you need to know. Or, things you probably already know but I'm just figuring out. Whatever, k?
- It is possible to plunge a toilet with a water bottle. I'm not saying how or why I know this, but just know that it is indeed possible.
- When you live in FL (like me), and you pack your fav new blue suede shoes (what? every girl needs blue suede shoes) that have already gotten wet (it rains here every day), prepare to set your entire suitcase on fire.(seriously, the smell was just that bad) Or, you can do this...dump everything that stinks in the pool and hang over balcony to dry. What? It's the perfect alternative to setting your clothes on fire.
- To pack 7 days worth of clothing for a trip to the beach? Ridiculous. (I honestly thought we might like, ya know, do stuff? We didn't.) I never wore pants. Never. 7 days and no pants. One time I wore sweatpants but I don't think that counts. We ALL wore bathing suits every day. Also, the chaffing and constant feeling of 'damp' from wearing a bathing suit for 7 days? Nothing can compare. Oh, and the itchy hoo-ha. Yep, that rocked.
- Just because the liquor stores sell your favorite vodka in the half-gallon size? Does not mean you should buy the same number of bottles as you would if buying the 1.75litre and drink them. All of them. (Now you know why we never wore pants)
- Do NOT under any circumstances attempt things of a sexual nature on the balcony after consuming tons of aforementioned vodka.
- I was shocked and amazed how many things our girls went without because they were told they had to pay for it. They each had their own spending money and those lil tightwad bishes wouldn't spend a damn dime. They actually money left when we got home. The SAB and I? We have $14.00 between us. Yep, we rock.
- Know your body. I had know idea until 5 days into our vacation that I was pms'ing. Seriously. Breakouts, horrible back pain (cramps), irritability (bitchiness). None of these were clues. Ha. I'm awesome.
Wasn't that informative? I like to share and I know stuff.
So, we spent the entire week, barbecuing, hanging at the pool, in the hot tub, at the beach and in general being lazy sloths. Me, the SAB and the Drunken Queen? We had a great time. Those mean ole' little girls? Not so much. One hated the beach, one hated the pool, one burns, one tans, one is hungry, the other isn't, one is pissed, the other is pissed, they hate us, they hate me, they hate the SAB. (they never hated the Drunken Queen) Just plain damn mean. They just argued, fought and in general acted like total creeps. According to them? It was great. I'm pretty sure the fact that they stayed up all night watching 'Full House' and other such nonsense probably contributed to their lack of motivation to act like normal human beings, however, DIDN'T THEY KNOW I WAS ON VACATION? Selfish damn kids.
So, have you learned anything from my mistakes? Don't take your kids on vacation unless you have A LOT of vodka. Oh, and all those other things I mentioned up there. Remember those. I know stuff.