Sunday, December 14, 2014


Being that I didn't have regular television for almost a year I saw no commercials.  Since moving in with the broken mommy (who has all the channels) I have gotten reacquainted with commercials. I am obsessed.  I love them.  I hate them.  I have strong opinions about them.  I decided to write about them.

 Just sharing a few of my favorites and not so favorites...

I'm going to start with a fairly old (2001) commercial because it encompasses my entire view on life and stuff: If I lick it; it's mine.  Remember  the Volkswagen commercial where the dude licks the car handle to claim it?  Totally awesome.  I think I like it so much because it brings out the kid in me. I miss being able to lick stuff and calling "MINE".  Shit, as adults we are so disillusioned that we are suspect if something hasn't been licked.  Anyhow...  Link to Lick.  You should watch.  It's just perfect.  Nailed it.

Mucinex - if you haven't been "lucky" enough to see one of these gems, you need to click HERE.  The link I provided is one of the older not-so-nasty phlegmmercials.  <----Like my new word?  There are a slew of them and each one is more disgusting than the last.  They aren't so fucking awful if you pretend that the snotman is just a green goblin or something, however, once you remember that it's a boog?  It's gone.  I heart you Mucinex but these commercials?  2 thumbs and 8 fingers DOWN.

Uncle Ben's - I have mentioned this before on my Facebook page but I'm bringing here again because it needs to be told.  I love this commercial.  I love that Uncle Ben's is trying its damnedest to send a positive message; cooking with the kids BUT...the commercial is bit over the top with the whole song and chill thing going on.  Click HERE to see what I'm talking about.  Over all, I think they did a fine job of combining the animation and very kid friendly version of a grown-up (read: old) song.  I like it.  No matter how many times I've heard it I always look at the tv when it plays.  That's what they want, right?

The Glade candle song commercial - Holy BALLS, I love this song, I love his voice but there is NO WAY I will buy a Glade candle because of it.  Hopefully, Glade was just going for the whole "Merry Christmas" thing because there is no damn way a candle deserves this awesomeness.  In all honesty, I had to search by the song when I first looked to find this commercial.  I had no idea who the sponsor was.  For great song snippet click the Pretty Song Link.  Sorry Glade.

This year's K-Mart commercials.  I love, love, love the dudes playing their bellies.  As usual, K-Mart has kicked ass with the holiday commercials featuring their Joe Boxer line: Link to the Boys.  I was a little less impressed with the chick version.  They still tried to keep it humorous but they had to throw that "hot chick" bullshit in the mix.  I like their commercials every year because they go right for the funny.  I didn't hate it, just wasn't as impressed.  Also, if there's going to be a commercial featuring dancing; the dancing should be good.  Still didn't suck, just wasn't my favorite.  Link to the Girls.

The insurance companies have totally kicked ass over the last few years.  They are like the huge commercial winners.  One of my all-time favorites is "No Mas Pantalones" with Flo from Progressive and a huge favorite of my mine is "Jake.  From State Farm". Both of these ads still makes me laugh every single time.  I'm also madly in love with quite fond of  the Geico Gecko *swoons over the accent* and I really wish they would do more commercials with him because he's my boyfriend.  I love his dry, sarcastic sense of humor and I have I mentioned the accent? But wait...theGeico "Icky" commercial makes me giggle like a bitch.  If you have not seen this?  Please CLICK HERE because I laugh so hard I pee.  My new favorites in the insurance category are the Liberty Mutual commercials.  Simple but to the point.  Also, I always know it's a Liberty Mutual ad.  That IS the point of a commercial right? Here's a LINK to my favorite Liberty Mutual ad.  I love this guy.  He's "every guy", no?  I dig his voice too.  Yep, I'm a freak.  I really like all of their new ads though EXCEPT THIS ONE.  Nobody names a car Brad.  Sorry, not buying it.  Anyhow, if I could afford it?  I'd buy Liberty Mutual Insurance just cause I like their commercials.  Sorry, Flo.

We all have those ear worm jingles or phrases from commercials that stay with us forever.  A few of mine are:  "I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener", "I've got a Butternut Mom", "Hot dogs, Armour Hot dogs - the dogs kids love to bite", "clap on, clap off, the clapper", "Ace is the place with the helpful hardware MAN" (that's how I remember it), and so many more.  You're welcome for those.  I'm cool like that.  I'll tell you another secret.  I sometimes watch the ads on YouTube.  Yep, I'm that girl.

From commercial hell...PPB

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Christmas Letter 2014

To all my friends and family at Christmas...

A lot has changed in a year.  Like...a lot.

Let me see...where to start...

Filed Bankruptcy, moved in with mom, got rid of 241lbs of dead weight, have no real source of income, have a snotty ass kid, a broken ass mommy, and I'm happier than I've ever been.  Let me explain...

My Bankruptcy was final in February of this year.  It was a huge relief.  I was in so much debt from divorce, and working 2 jobs had done nothing for me.  So BK it was.  I still have no credit cards...I'm scared.  It's not a bad thing.

Moved in with mom at the end of May.  (This was planned for over a year so don't freak out, mmmkay?)  So far; so good.  She's annoying as fuck but aren't all moms?  Since she broke the shit out of her ankle and is immobile for 3 months, she's less annoying...haha, but no, REALLY.  She's healing well and drives her wheelchair like a bat out of hell.  It's awesome.  I can always tell where she is when we hit the stores.  I just have to listen for the "hey lady!".  She's always either in someones way, crashing into a display, going too fast, going too slow...something.

The lying scumbag that I wasted 3.5 years of my life with (I won't even bother to mention his name; it's not worth it) decided that we should no longer be a couple.  This turned out to be one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  It's amazing how your eyes are opened once someone isn't covering them.  And, that's all I'll say about that.  For now.  (You know there's another blog post in there, right?)

In August, I quit my job after 14 years.  That place sucked giant horse cock.  It really did.  Maybe it was mid-life crisis, maybe I was just a mess...who knows?  I cannot describe the feeling of not going back to that negative hell hole of a place filled with life-sucking, backstabbing, liars.  Phew...that was a huge relief.  I am currently unemployed as I had a job for a couple of months and it was becoming very similar to the horse cock sucking job so I'm no longer there.  Due to some investments that I was able to cash in, unemployment  (thank you, government) and mommy, I am able to live for a few months while searching for a job that doesn't suck.  <---- I'm hoping that job exists. Tell me that it does.  Please.

Thanks to numerous friends and my fantastic (although foul-mouthed and cranky) daughter, this year of change has been absolutely amazing!  Took a few short trips: Cedar Key, Crystal River, Orlando (Link to Orlando trip post), St Augustine, and I have a trip to Savannah planned toward the end of the month.  I was also able to spend some great quality time with the Mini, the Broken Mommy, and my friends.  It has been excellent.  I am thankful beyond belief.

The Mini started middle school (Jr high) this year and it scared the shit out of me.  In that bad awful way that I wanted to be her life sized backpack.  Besides the increasingly shitty attitude which I'm told will go away around the age of 25...all is well.  She's actually doing better than she did in elementary school.  I'm still freaked out most of the time but I'll tell you that after much motherly snooping I know this:  the kid knows how to spell "fuck" and that my friends, is important.

As usual I'm excited for Christmas because...I LOVE IT!  Looking forward to a visit from my baby sister too.  It will be a FourVag Christmas in Bananaland.  Keep one eye on your news.  Ya' know, just in case.

Smoochydoodles to you and yours.  Have a kickass Christmas and here's to Santa not pissing in your Wheaties.