Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Dating Profile Dont's

I have joined the throng of weird motherfuckers on the dating websites.  Mostly for research but I’m having a blast.  I’ve never met so many low-life bottom feeders, ever.  It’s entertaining to say the least.  I’ve made up a short list of shit men should NEVER do on their profile.  Seriously boys - heed my advice.  You’re embarrassing yourselves and the entire human race.

1) Do not have a muthafuckin profile picture without your shirt.  Don’t do it.  It’s all bad and you’re an asshole, jackwagon, fucktard.  Furthermore…ewwwwwwww.
2) Do not say that you like romantic walks on the beach.  Your pants?  Are on fire.  This is a lie because there would be a million people walking on the beach, holding hands, and looking awkward every day and that would suck.
3) Don’t lie.  You’re just dumb.  You’re going to get found out at some point.  It’s just stupid.  Be yourself.  Unless you suck.  If you suck, you’ll never get anywhere anyway so just don’t bother.
4) Do not say you’re not looking for a certain body type and then answer the profile question “Do you think overweight people can be sexy?” with a no.  You’re an asshole. You’re allowed, even encouraged, to like whoever the hell you want to like just don’t say one thing and mean another.
5) Spelling.  YES IT MUTHAFUCKIN COUNTS.  You know when you meet someone in a bar and you base whether you’re going to buy them a drink based on how they look?  SPELLING IS HOW YOU LOOK when you’re on a dating website.  DUMBASS.  It’s said that women decide if they’re going to sleep with you in the first 30 seconds.  The first 30 seconds is while we read your profile. Yep, you made an impression…it just sucks.
6) Do NOT say that you’re looking for a relationship when you’re really out there to bang some strange.  There is not a damn thing wrong with banging.  Do not confuse banging with dating.  Google that shit if you aren’t sure which is which.  They have banging websites.  Go there.  This is a dating website.
7) If your profile picture is of your junk, just go ahead and kill yourself now.
8) Do not put pictures of your children in your profile picture.  Complete turn off.  Also, unless your children are adults and gave you permission to use their likeness, you’re asking for trouble.   Have you seen the freaking sickos on the dating websites?
9) If you have another woman in your profile picture, you deserve every nasty message you get.  Seriously.
10) If you have no photo of just you alone – you’re a loser with no friends that could handle taking a current picture.  Women don't care what your friends look like (or they shouldn't) unless you're part of package deal.
11) Stop whining that you only get messages from crazy women.  ALL women are crazy.  It comes free with a vagina.  If you’re continually getting crazy messages?  Check your profile.  That’s why.
12) If you say that you are creative & funny in your profile description, you should probably be able to send a message that’s better than ‘hi’ or ‘good morning, beautiful’.  Fuck off, ain’t nobody got time for that.  Use your creativity and wit to make a good impression. Just don’t go overboard.    Yeah, I know…it’s a slippery slope.  Figure it out.
13) Don’t put up a picture and then conveniently forget to fill out the written profile information.  This is just stupid.  It’s a website.  Give up the information
14) Do not say that all you do is eat healthy and that you love to work out and then message me, the non -workout, junk food eating, Queen.  We have nothing in common.  Seriously.  I don’t want to do any of that.  If you’re looking to sell your workout wares, they have websites for that.  They do.  I’ve seen them.
15) If you’re 6’2” don’t say that you’re 6’3”.  Nobody is going to whip out a meausring tape but it will come up in conversation some day and why fucking lie?  It’s height.  Really?  If you’ll lie about your height, you’re not really trustworthy, now are you?
16) Don’t say you have a few extra lbs in your profile and then show up for coffee and you’re a circle.  This is not cool.  If you’re a circle, be proud.  It’s an awesome shape.
17) Do NOT give a woman you’re email address or phone number in your first message.  It makes you seem pushy, sketchy, and desperate.  If that’s what you’re going for then cool.
18) Do not attempt to pay someone meet you.  Again, if that’s your thing go for it.  They have websites, phone services, and Craig’s list to take care of all of your needs.  If they had no place for your sick ass to go, it would be easier to understand.  However, they do so it just makes think you can read and have no concept of what the internet is all about.  Figure that shit out.
19) I don’t lie on my profile so I’d appreciate if you actually take the 2 minutes it takes and read it. Even if I did lie, the information is right there in black & white.   Don’t message me a bunch of shithead questions that are found on the front page of my profile.  Idiot.
20) I’m pretty.  It’s a fact.  My picture is current.  I show my body.  I’m not trying to hide that fact.  Don’t message your tired old bullshit if you haven’t first figured out that I’m not a size 8.  That’s your damn problem.

These are just my top 20.  I could go on all damn day; I won’t.  I will be back with more.  Wait for it.

 PPB aka The Precious Princess - The Princess is a twice divorced, recently dumped, recently unemployed, self-proclaimed member of the mentally hilarious. She has been referred to as living under a rock stocked with vodka and anger. Her 12 year old “Mini”, who is carbon copy of the Princess, is often the subject of blogs, and Facebook posts. In addition, she writes about dating, the dumbness of boys, life after 40, and shares stories from Bananaland which is both her past and current residence.  She is the owner/sole admin for the Facebook page Precious Princess's Guide to Bananaland where she is famous for her rants and her blunt, honest, and sarcastic look at life.  She blogs both extremely funny and all-the-feels posts at Princess Bananaland.  She hates people, kids, and karaoke. She uses all the swears and makes up dirty words.  Eventually when she’s done being sloth-like, she will write a book.  Be afraid. 


Unknown said...

OMG I laughed my ass off during this whole thing! Toooooo funny! And true.
Circle Pride Power, Baby!!

A Day in the Life of a Drama Queens Momma said...

Oh lordy! Bwhahaha....some of these had me crying! Whew! #11- crazy comes free with the vagina...... You tell em girl!

And thanks for linking up today on #BlogDiggity. Your blog is the shiznet. <3 xoxo

Chasity M Conley said...

19. Love it. I used to be on a dating website years ago and they would write me and ask me the very thing that was literally written on my profile. It's like they couldn't even take the time to read it.

Anonymous said...

You've just called out every guys profile on ANY website.

This was amazing, I laughed so hard.

Unknown said...

Wow. Sounds like the pond is full of turds. I guess I better chill the fuck out and be happy that I don't need to go for a swim anytime soon. Please tell me you responded with some of this... that would be hilarious to see, the emails back and forth with you telling these assholes where to put it. Fuck you are funny.

Unknown said...

Haha that was great. I've never been on a dating website but I'm pretty sure I would lie about everything and have a name like "barechestedmuchacho69"

Anonymous said...

OMG I laughed SO hard. The final nail in the coffin that led to my divorce was finding out my HUSBAND had a profile on a dating site. While we were still very much married. Yeah, he's special. And while I laughed my ever - lovin' ass off at all of this, I especially laughed at #16 because his profile said how athletic he is. Yeah, because sumo wrestling IS a sport!! Dumbass!!

The Queen said...

I just peed myself while spitting tea all over my computer. This is some funny shit right here.

Tina said...

OMG, this is a hoot!! Do men really do this? Yea, I guess they do...or else they wouldn't find it necessary to be on the dating website in the first place!

Unknown said...

#7: "If your profile picture is of your junk, just go ahead and kill yourself now" Hear hear!!
I'm just holding my sides now; these are just hilarious!!