Friday, December 20, 2013

PPB's Christmas Wish List

  • I wish all the people who live (part or full time) in Bananaland would eat less.  Yes, there I said it.  Eat fucking less.  You fucking pigs eat everything in the damn house.  I make the list, budget the money for the food, and shop for it.  At the very least I should be able to see it sit on the shelf in the cupboard.  For 24 hours.  At least.   Also, we’re poor, mostly because our grocery bill is larger than the national debt.  So stop it. 

  • That all the people who sit around bitching about stuff (not Bananaland stuff people, real stuff) would get off their asses and do something about it.  Change doesn’t happen unless you make it happen.  It’s true.  If you don’t like something – change it.  If you can’t change it – change the way you react to it.  If you can’t do either, you’re fucked.

  • Could people stop taking EVERYTHING so seriously?  Really.  Life is short, kids.  If you’re always out on a soapbox dishing about what everybody else should be doing, you probably aren’t doing anything.  It’s one thing to stand behind something you believe and a whole other ditty when you begin ranting at everybody else for what they believe.  Shut up.  Not everyone believes in your religion, your thoughts on homosexuality, your political stance, or the way you raise your kids.  Shocked?  You must be.  Quit being so touchy and laugh.  Shit is funny.  Remember, you aren’t getting out alive, lighten up. 

  • The word ‘fuck’ to always be capitalized.  It should be.  Just cause’. 

  • Cake should be available at all times.  I like cake.  Moist, delicious cake.  What?  I’m fat.  And, I like cake.

  • Everyone - make amends.  Holding onto hurt, anger, pain, guilt, whatever, only affects you.  If you think holding on to any of these is bothering someone else, you’ve got life fucked up on a platter.  The only person it’s bothering is you.  Also, if that’s why you’re holding on, you’re more fucked up than you realize and my hope is for you to contact a professional who can give you some counsel and or drugs.  Seriously, they make some good ones (drugs) or so I’ve heard.

  • I sincerely hope my (our) children (the Mini & Red) actually appreciate the time and effort that we went through for their Christmas surprise this year.  I don’t think I can do another Christmas (or any other holiday) with ungrateful lil bitches.  I said it.  They are.  Only one is my fault cause’…DNA.  Gotta work on this.  Hugetime.  Shaddap, it’s my wish list.

  • I wish that the autocorrect function on my phone would stop changing the word whore to who’re or white.  This really pisses me off.  I write the word whore a lot.  You’re a skanky who’re” just isn’t making it to the top of the cool things to say list.

  • I hope that all the parents who buy their children iphones, just because, get pummeled by a giant iphone rain with no iumbrella.  You deserve it.  Santa thinks you’re assholes too.  Yep, assholio.  You. 

  • I want hot flashes to immediately be counteracted by a cool breeze.  Like in the commercials.  A field of wildflowers scented cool breeze. 

  • I really, really, really want Facebook to show my stuff.  Really.  Come on Zuckerfucker, isn’t your vendetta against all things Bananaland (yes, I made this up) over yet?  People NEED my stuff.  SHOWMESHOWMESHOWME.  Please.

  • I want NEED to be hairless from the neck down.  This is real, folks.  I hate hair.  I told the SAB on the very first night we met.  It still hasn’t happened.  I still want  NEED it.  Real bad. 

  • Everybody to mind their own fucking business.  This is huge.  Quit trying to run everybody’s life because your own life sucks.  You can’t make people do things.  If you’re that fucking miserable and feel the need to butt your nose holes into everybody’s stuff, private message me.  I know a bunch of complete fuckwads that need you (read: I need you to be) in their lives.  I’ll give you their contact info.  Good for you.  Good for me. 

  • A vodka spout connected to my sink would really rock.  Oh, and a never ending supply of vodka.  Caramel vodka.  Or, key lime whipped, or peppermint bark, or caramel apple, or really any kind.  Vodka is good.  Also, it has stopped me from killing.  So really, it’s saving lives.  Think insurance will cover this?

  • And lastly, I hope that everyone (including me) has a better next year than they’ve had this year.  Make it happen, kids.  I’m counting on you.


Pink Fuzzy Slippers and My Hubby's Pants said...


My Life Outloud, Free Therapy for Me said...

I like this list. Whore, doesnt autocorrect lol

It's why you like me said...

when I read "who're" I was all "She's getting Fucking (notice caps) fancy with the whores. That's classy" Then I kept reading. So that happened.

Chasity M Conley said...

Love this post! I agree, cake should ALWAYS be available!

A Day in the Life of a Drama Queens Momma said...

Mmmmm. Cake

A Day in the Life of a Drama Queens Momma said...

Plus I enjoyed all that sentimental crap. <3 merry Christmas, ya who're. Teehee

Jeanine said...

I love your truth Princess, excellent blog!!! 😃