Thursday, November 20, 2014

Letter to my Mini

To my dearest, loving, daughter life sucking offspring who’s going out on her own,

As you’re leaving to go out on your own, I want to pass on a few niblets of my extreme wisdom.   Yes, you will need all of this information and you will thank me.  Not now, but sometime.

Shark-week-in- your-pants – pay the extra money for the good tampons.  If  your shark-week-in-your-pants is as fucked as mine, you will be miserable for 4 days, at least.  Jamming a fall apart-y, pinch-y applicator-ed cotton phallic up your lady business is not fun.  It gets worse as you get older so when you visit the drugstore for your monthly shark week shopping, remember what your momma told ya.  Also, go heavy on the bleach with the drawers.
Boys - Boys are dumb.  That is all.
Boys, seriously – You need no man to complete your awesome, crazy, ass.  It’s nice to have one around but keep your all for you.  You rock like a muthafucker.  Remember that shit.  Have lots of good sex.  Use protection but enjoy.  Who cares if some stuck up schmoe calls you “whore”.  Sex is important.  It will relax you and keep you happy. Enjoy it.  Don’t fall in love until you’ve accomplished all you want.  It really gets in the way of all the things.
Boys, dating – Do it, just make sure they actually know the definition of dating.  You look that shit up too.  Communicate.  If you (both) can’t communicate, dating be damned.
Leave your boobs in your shirt.  Nobody wants to see that shit.  Well lots of people want to see that shit and those people suck.
Continue to hate people.  People suck (see above).  Trust no one.  People are going to let you down.  This is a fact.  Accept people for who they are.  They will tell lies, they will talk behind your back, they will fuck your boyfriend, and they will break your heart into tiny heart pieces that will fly everywhere, ricochet, and hit you in the face.  So. What.  Suck it up, buttercup.  You have to accept people and all their damn faults. That’s the only way it works.   You are far from perfect so don't expect it from others. When you meet a true asshole, shut em’ down.  Don’t give them the satisfaction of being in your space & breathing your air.
You’re going to screw up.  You’re going to screw up other people’s stuff.  Own it.  Always be responsible for your own stuff.  Always.  Learn from your mistakes and move your pity train forward.  This will save your ass so many times.
Always keep a jar of Vaseline in your home.  I don't know why but I’ve always had one.  It comes in handy.  Then is doesn’t.  One jar will last your whole life.  Invest in the actual Vaseline brand.  You’re going to spend $3.59 in the course of your lifetime.  Just do it.  It’s a mom thing.
Don’t take duck faced selfies.  This is gross and I may possibly disown you for this practice.  It’s just wrong.  Again, I don’t know why.  Just don’t.
Forgive others.  Not for them; for you.  Cuz really, screw them.
Boob sweat is not good.  Try and avoid that shit at all costs.  You’ll thank me for this.  You’ll thank me for this, soon.
When you go to other people’s houses, do NOT look in their medicine cabinet.  Seriously.  Don’t.  Nobody keeps the good shit in the medicine cabinet.
Every time you use a bathroom other than your own, check for tp and a plunger prior to taking a squat.  Trust me.  This will come in handy as fuck.
Drink lots and lots of water.  Yes, I’m invoking the annoying mom rules.  This is one.  Water is good.  ¾ of the earth is made up of water.  In order to drown properly, you must drink.  For real, it’s good for your skin and it keeps your pee clear.  Healthy urine should be clear.  Yes I went there.  Just drink the damn water.
Call me once a week and tell me you love me.   If you don’t, you’ll perish in a fiery hell.  You’ll miss me when I’m gone.
Be nice until it’s time not be nice.  Always put your best foot forward and don’t be a douche.  Be polite.  If somebody fucks with you, stop being nice.  It’s appropriate to be a douche in this circumstance.  This is grand advice in for all occasions.  Learn it; live it.  I know stuff.  
If somehow you become famous or rich (mostly rich) make sure you take care of your mother.  Don’t make me tell everyone your birth story.  I’ll do that shit.  In a New York minute (or however that saying goes).  Every.  Last.  Detail.
Try every muthafuckin thing once.  Experience all the things.  Food, trips, roller coasters, LIFE.  Mostly food.  Try it all.  It won’t kill you.  I swear.  It could kill you I guess but that makes it worth it.  Just think of the stories people will tell.  You’ll be infamous and shit.  But really, don’t let life pass your ass by.  Do stuff.
Never skip dessert.  If you die tomorrow (which probably isn’t going to happen), you’ll regret the fact that you skipped dessert.  You don’t need that kind of shit when you’re dead.  You just don’t.  Always eat the cake.  I know stuff.
Always have Netflix.  You are spoiled.  Commercials will scare you.  We can’t have that.  Whatever the minimal fee is now, pay it, and keep Netflix because it rocks.
Be nice to the hobos.  Not blow them nice or anything.  Just be nice.  Most of us are just a few weeks away from joining them.  Give them money, buy them a sandwich, or simply say hi.  Pay shit forward.  If you’re lucky enough to have shit, share your shit.
Candy & lip gloss are the most funnest (yes, I’m aware that isn’t a word) two things ever, to buy.  They are also the funnest (yes, I’m aware that isn’t a word) two things ever, to say you bought.  Not sure why I stuck that in but it makes me giggle.  Giggling is good.
Vagina=crazy.  Always know that shit.  Penis=dumb.  It’s not a put down of any kind.  If more people admitted it, there would less problems in the world today.
Vagina rules – never forget it.  Vagina trumps everything.  You’ll learn.  It takes some learning and some getting used to.

I think I’m going to end on the best note possible.  Vagina.  It’s true; nothing beats it.

Love always Get your lazy freeloading ass out of my house,

Your mommy

PS: stop trying to climb back in the womb, you won’t fit

PPB aka The Precious Princess - The Princess is a twice divorced, recently dumped, recently unemployed, self-proclaimed member of the mentally hilarious. She has been referred to as living under a rock stocked with vodka and anger. Her 12 year old “Mini”, who is carbon copy of the Princess, is often the subject of blogs, and Facebook posts. In addition, she writes about dating, the dumbness of boys, life after 40, and shares stories from Bananaland which is both her past and current residence.  She is the owner/sole admin for the Facebook page Precious Princess's Guide to Bananaland where she is famous for her rants and her blunt, honest, and sarcastic look at life.  She blogs both extremely funny and all-the-feels posts at Princess Bananaland.  She hates people, kids, and karaoke. She uses all the swears and makes up dirty words.  Eventually when she’s done being sloth-like, she will write a book.  Be afraid. 


Pink Fuzzy Slippers and My Hubby's Pants said...

I love this and I love you. Hard.

IBOL said...

This is fantastic. I love you!! xx

Unknown said...

You're fecking spectacular.

And you're Mini is one lucky lady.

I'd get sappy but you'd punch me, so I'm done.

Unknown said...

You rock! I love reading what you write. Write a book. Seriously id buy that shit in a New York Minute lol

Unknown said...

You rock!
Write a book. Seriously id buy that shit in a New York Minute lol

Also this is the first time ive commented on someone's blog so if it post like a billion times my bad lol