Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Liquid Parenting Advice

I am the current keeper of a piece of parenting advice that I wish to hell somebody would have given me when I was with child.  Because I am awesome and this is important, I will share this bit of info with all the uninformed parents. 

Indulge.  Sip that wine.  Slam a beer and chase that beer with another beer. I was not a big drinker prior to having my one and only child. I was never told that it was okay imperative to consume a little nip here and there to calm the nerves while attempting to parent.  Subsequently, the first several years of my daughter’s life were alcohol free.  Insanity. That's what ensued.  Total insanity. The fact that we made it out of babyhood alive is a mystery.  I know damn well my obsessive-compulsive tendencies, my helicopter mom-ness, and my need to be in control of every moment would have been kept in check if someone had told me to shut hell up and pop a cold one. I was so worried what people would think if I was drinking, or god forbid, I got drunk.  The world would have ended. I would have been shunned by my peers.   I have since learned to embrace the joy of a cool buzz when my offspring has lost her damn mind. 

The word needs to be spread, folks – drink.  How else can we support each other through this madcap journey of rearing the snatch monkeys? 

It is rarely mentioned that soon after the bundle of joy is brought home, many new parents are hiding in the hall closet sipping whiskey from a brown paper bag like hobos. This closeted behavior must be made common knowledge so whiskey can be sipped in an appropriate place, everywhere.  People with zero kids, new parents, and those perfect television type parents will argue that this is not the case.  Parents would never hide from a screaming baby. Lies, all lies.  Yes, there are probably some parents out there who don’t down a shot of tequila after an especially fragrant thirty-seven-wipe diaper change.  That’s because they didn’t receive this nugget of sage parenting advice. 

It’s okay to have a drink when the day is long and there are too many kids.  It’s really okay.  In essence it’s fairly cool to do almost anything that assists with making it through one of the endless days that make parenting so special (<--------- insert sarcasm font).  If the kids are breathing, fed, and happy content, consider the day a success. 

For those days when the newborn is screeching for hours for reasons unknown, the toddler is tearing through the house naked, his poop-filled diaper swinging from his arm like a lasso, with the shit literally (literally) hitting the fan, and the tween is calmly ignoring the entire scene while foraging in the kitchen (and everywhere else) for food.  Those days are made for a glass of wine (or 2).  The simple act of ingesting some alcohol can keep a parent from ending up in the snow, rocking, wearing only underwear & cowboy boots.  It can keep them from burning down the house, or taking the train to run far, far away.  

The shit, it never ends.  Even before all of the above scenarios have been dealt with, the damn kids are on to the next disastrous event that will require yet another glass of the red.  Or white. 

Perfect parenting is total bullshit and it does not exist. There are no perfect parents.  There are no perfect children.  Parenting sometimes most times calls for a cocktail.  There will be parents who will not agree with this advice.  Fuck those parents. 

Drinking is bad, blah, blah, blah.  Everyone will be an alcoholic, blah, blah, blah.

Nervous breakdowns are bad.  Ignoring, screaming at, and shaming kids is bad.   Also, all that stuff is like work.  Parenting is hard.  Sit down and enjoy a nice tall glass of vodka. 

That’s stress free parenting right there, folks. Enjoy that shit.

*The above post was written in jest.  Really.  – Sorry – I have to say that shit because people are assholes. 

PPB aka The Precious Princess - The Princess is a twice divorced, recently single, self-proclaimed member of the mentally hilarious. She has been referred to as living under a rock stocked with vodka and anger. Her 12 year old “Mini”, who is carbon copy of the Princess, is often the subject of blogs, and Facebook posts. In addition, she writes about dating, the dumbness of boys, life after 40, and shares stories from Bananaland which is both her past and current residence. She is the owner/sole admin for the Facebook page Precious Princess's Guide to Bananaland where she is famous for her rants and her blunt, honest, and sarcastic look at life. She blogs both extremely funny and all-the-feels posts at Princess Bananaland. She hates people, kids, and karaoke. She uses all the swears and makes up dirty words. Eventually when she’s done being sloth-like, she will write a book.  Until she changes her mind. Be afraid. 


Just a cape is in the dryer! said...

Baaaahahahaha!!! You are SOOOOOOOO right, my friend!!

Just a cape is in the dryer! said...

You are SOOOOOO right, my friend!!

Unknown said...

"There will be parents who will not agree with this advice. Fuck those parents."
Right in the A.
Amen, sister.