Wednesday, April 29, 2015

That Woman

I’m becoming that woman…
I am slowly becoming that woman that I read about in books.  I have always envied her.  Her will is amazingly strong. She embodies everything that I believe is mature and adult-like. I never thought that I would have anything in common with her. I was not raised to think like her.  It’s a bit impressive to me that I am beginning to mimic this behavior of hers.  I’m amazed at myself; I think…

Impressed?  Or sad?

I have read about her in hundreds of books over the years.  She’s that woman, the woman who not only doesn’t have a man but isn’t interested in finding one.  That woman who goes on for years without a man because she’s either busy with her career, her children, or has been so scorned that she can no longer even dream of finding someone to love. Sometimes she’s sad, and sometimes not.  Most times she’s just busy, too focused on everything around her and not on fulfilling the dream that the people in her life think she’s missing out on. 
She’s not missing out
She’s in the movies too, those movies about women finding men and becoming all happily ever after. The movies in which she starts out being complacent with living her life alone but a family member introduces her someone new, or she gets into a car accident with a handsome stranger, or a meddling friend puts an ad on a dating website for her, and of course…she falls in love.  The End.  But in the beginning of the movie she’s alone.  Alone - happy, healthy, and thriving.   And then out of the blue, she’s all madly in love and truly fulfilled – happily ever after.

Alone – yet happy – for years

I never understood this woman. She was utterly foreign to me.  I would read my book or watch this movie and think “how is it possible for her to be happy without a man around”?  There is no way this could be real.  In my mind it was a fantasy, a fantasy like falling in love with a prince and living in a castle. I couldn’t fathom being happy AND alone. I was taught that I must have a man to experience complete happiness.  There was no way I could take care of myself financially, physically, or mentally.  I could only do this with a partner.  I was led, by example, that I should do anything to keep a man because without one – I’d be nothing. 
That’s what I was taught and I believed it

Reading about this woman was unfamiliar to me, even as a child.  This was something I had never experienced.  A woman who had no interest in being with a man was unknown to me.  How did she feel whole?  How did she make it through the day not having someone there to guide her and be her rock?  This woman didn’t even think about being with a man.  She was busy.  This just couldn’t be possible.  It couldn’t be real.  No woman could be without a man.  It just didn’t happen.  Not in my world.

Can’t fathom it

As I got older, I achieved what I knew, marriage at 22 because I wasn’t going to be in my twenties forever.  I needed to begin fulfilling my life, with a man.  Divorced at 27 and married again at 29 because I couldn’t stay single for too long. (What would people think?) I was getting older and I needed someone to take care of me.  Divorce the second time was inevitable.  At the ripe old age of 39, I decided to try something new – not getting married.  Had a long term relationship with a pitiful excuse for a man but I had someone to protect me, to keep me whole. Ignore all the things that men do and be taken care of.  That’s what I was supposed to do.  Be taken care of.

I did what women should do
I’ve not had a man in my life for almost a year.  I date a bit, sometimes.  I don’t feel it.  I don’t feel like doing the right thing, that right thing that has been ingrained in my being for all these years.  I don’t feel like being with a man. It’s all new.  I feel crazy sometimes.  What is wrong with me?  I’m being called a man-hater, depressed, unsociable, and other names that make me feel like less of a woman person.  I’ve even been called a lesbian because I’m not out banging every guy who hits on me. I’m not (less of a person or a lesbian). I don’t feel like being with a man – not even for sex because even just casual sex seems like it will come with some kind of time commitment that I’m not interested in.  I don’t want to give up my personal time and share it with someone else.  I don’t want to bend or compromise. I’m mad.  Not at anyone in particular.  I’m mad at me for spending most of my life doing what others expected of me.  Not now.  I don’t care if I’m called names and thought of as a bitch or a man-hater.  I’m just not interested.  Period. 

Is this maturity?   It’s scaring the shit out of me.

I am becoming that woman. I am more independent every day.  I am fulfilling my needs and wants.  I am doing exactly what I want to do with every moment of my life.  I know that I’m going against the grain.  I know I’m being looked down upon.  I like my life.  I like where it’s leading me.  I like making my own decisions without asking another’s opinion.  I enjoy parenting how I want, cooking what I want, watching what I want, waking up when I want, going where I want, and doing just whatever the fuck I want, when I want.  I have been at the beck and call of another human being for the last 20 years and now…I am done.  Am I sacrificing this perfect idea of man-woman love?  Maybe.  For now.  But for now, I am happy.  I still look at every man I pass and wonder “Is he the one”? It’s been drilled into my head for far too long.  When it comes down to meeting that man though, I’m simply not interested.  But hey … that woman always had some sappy ending that involved the love of her life.  Maybe that will happen with me.  Maybe. I’ll wait and see and in the meantime I’ll be right over here doing exactly what I want to do.

I’ll still be happy, regardless.

PPB aka The Precious Princess - The Princess is a twice divorced, recently dumped, recently unemployed, self-proclaimed member of the mentally hilarious. She has been referred to as living under a rock stocked with vodka and anger. Her 12 year old “Mini”, who is carbon copy of the Princess, is often the subject of blogs, and Facebook posts. In addition, she writes about dating, the dumbness of boys, life after 40, and shares stories from Bananaland which is both her past and current residence. She is the owner/sole admin for the Facebook page Precious Princess's Guide to Bananaland where she is famous for her rants and her blunt, honest, and sarcastic look at life. She blogs both extremely funny and all-the-feels posts at Princess Bananaland. She hates people, kids, and karaoke. She uses all the swears and makes up dirty words. Eventually when she’s done being sloth-like, she will write a book. Be afraid. 


Unknown said...

I think that is awesome! You always seemed strong and independent to me, maybe you just needed to believe it?
It's biological, our wanting to be together, and our parents made it seem like being alone meant something was wrong but I'm so happy our generation doesn't see it that way. Our children, especially our daughters will have far more choices than we ever had. To me, that's the whole thing of modern feminism: OUR choice. Whatever it is, WE decide for ourselves. The End.
You're glorious and your daughter is lucky to have such a fine example!

Jeanine said...

I love this and bravo to you for celebrating your singlehood!!! It's your badge of honour for finally taking back the power you have given away. I've been ingrained and programmed to think the same way since I put on my first shade of hot pink lipstick! I'm so glad after I kissed a few toads in high school to find my forever love. He even acted like a toad in the beginning, and instead of cow towing to what was expected of me I walked away. And you know what it felt good to put myself first. I told him I'm awesome, you should wake up and realize that before I find someone who thinks the same. And he chased me and here we are 25 years later, 2 kids, and happy. I love that you're becoming that woman you always wanted to be Sandrea. Cheers to wonderful you. 😃❤️🍷

Just a cape is in the dryer! said...

I'm so proud of you I could burst!! You are fabulous. In the immortal (I hope) words of Don Henley, "we've been poisoned by these fairy tales". If we could write our own happy ending, life would be easier. But there's no way of knowing how another person will behave, and how we will react to it. So in the meantime, it fills me with joy to know you are learning to enjoy every minute of learning how powerful you really are💗💗😘